Five things that inspire me.

- My friends, boyfriend, and family. They're all very different and unique and their ideas and beliefs and ideals all have an impact on me and my thoughts and my life. My boyfriend is so talented and beautiful and smart and silly and caring and he makes me feel so good about myself for who I am, but also inspires me to be a better person.

- Music. All kinds of music. I can hear instruments and lyrics and get so many thoughts and images in my head.

- Clouds. They are all unique - some small, some big, some puffy, some streaky. Each one is different, just like people. I love to cloud watch and think about life. I could lie in a field and look up at the clouds all day and get lost in thought.

- Writing. Writing anything. Lists, notes, thoughts, even silly lyrics. I can write down one word and that one word will inspire me and soon I'll be on my 4th page. Also, other people's writing. If I could read every journal in the world ... I would love that. I love to know about what others have been through, are going through, and where they want to be and where they want to go.

- Walking. Walking alone, even for a short time, is very therapeutic and calming, especially if I'm having a bad day or am thinking too much or am down on myself. Walking and smoking cigarettes and people watching and fresh air and exercise.

"I can smell."

This weekend has been way too fun.

9/11 wearing headscarves downtown to Celebration On The Grand and getting dirty looks and dancing and then leaving and going to a party.

Last night was great, too. Even work was hilarious.
This lady who REEKED of litter box came though the checkout lane I was bagging at and as I was bagging her 189381893 cans of cat food, she said "I have a lot of cats." and instead of "I can tell", I accidentally said "I can smell."
I never say the right thing. But it was hilarious.

And thennnn, a cross dresser came in. His skirt was tucked into the waist of his stockings. It was amazing.

After work, I went to a party with my boyfriend, my sister, and my friend Jared. That was just ... a hilarious night. Listened to this dude drunken freestlye rap and laughed like crazy. I reached the perfect drunk level.

I wonder what's in store today. I'm supposed to go on an adventure with my boy later, and then who knows.

At it again

... Working on my dreads some more. It's been a long and boring day so far, and it's not even 2pm yet! But this will make time go by faster and keep me busy and occupied.
I'm on my 10th cup of coffee and have eaten 0 food. I feel both empty and full, but very uppidy.


[This dread is 2 years old!]


[A few dreads chillin'.]

Then & Now

Me at this time last year:




And me now:





A lot has changed, and not just my hair length.
I shall go into more detail later.

Few scenes from my life where moments mean more to me than our fine nights.

I had a great night last night. I'm glad I took it easy on the drinking - only had 1 Loko, a deuce, and a can of beer. My boyfriend was right - It's a lot more fun when I can actually walk ;)

I'm really going to try to chill out on the drinking. I mean, sure - I will still drink, but I'm not going to go overboard.

Drunk mouth ruined it again.

I got an MIP last night. It's ridiculous.
Also got into some arguments. Very emotional ones.

Honestly, I just like to have fun when I drink. I really don't mean to hurt anyone. And, no matter what anyone thinks or says, I'm definitely not an alcoholic. I drink to have fun, not because I need it.

I couldn't sleep last night because of this whole thing. I haven't cried this much in forever.
I'm terrified that everything is going to shit.

The most ridiculous thing is I only consumed 2 Lokos. I wasn't even that drunk.
I just happened to be not using my brain and decided it'd be a good idea to drink while I walked home.

I know what I am, and I'm not an alcoholic. I hate that that's what people label me as. Especially the boy I love.
Maybe he's right - I should chill out. I should stop when I feel it, and not keep going until I feel nothing at all.
I don't know. I just wish I could go back in time and rethink my decisions. I don't want to be a let down. I don't want to hurt anyone. Those are not my intentions.

I feel awful. I ruined our 3 month anniversary.

There are things you must accept as said and done. There are truths you must learn to confront. You can pray all night and day. You'll always wake the same person in the same place.

The Luckiest

I don't get many things right the first time.
In fact, I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls brought me here.

And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday, and I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.

What if I'd been born fifty years before you in a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike. Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes, I see one pair that I recognize.
And I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you.

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties, and one day passed away in his sleep.
And his wife - she stayed for a couple of days, and passed away.

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong.
That I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.

Dreading.

Now that everyone is back at college/starting college, I'm bored out of my mind. I wish I would have just graduated high school. I'm waiting until I'm 21 [December 4th!] to get my GED so it'll be cheaper.

Until then I need to find something to keep my occupied since I won't see my friends and boyfriend as much. Maybe if I keep nagging, work will give my more hours.

Oh yeah, I've started dreading my hair again. I've been doing 1 every few days because I don't feel like sitting all day doing my whole head at once. It kills my hands/arms.
I've got only 5 right now.

Summer's end, and reflections

Summer has flown by all too fast - or maybe it feels that way because this has been one of the best summers of my life. After summer '05, I never thought it could get any better. And then summer '06 turned out better, and summer '07 better than that, and summer '08 came extremely close to '07, if not better.

But this summer ... this summer has been simply amazing. I've learned more about friends and people I considered friends, and more importantly, I've learned more about myself.

I went back into vegetarianism, which is something I've been wanting to do since I was forced to eat meat by the doctors that time I ended up in the hospital. I had a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and seeing myself as anything but a heartless murderer. Sounds harsh, but it's how I felt.

I have learned this summer that I need to take better care of myself and in turn have gained probably 10 pounds, which I hate, but it's probably good. I still have days when I feel huge and ugly and want to bust out crying and not eat for days, but I tell myself that I have come so far and have the strength to get over my past problems. I don't think I'll ever be completely over it or "cured", but I'm confident I will get there.

I finally got the nerve to talk to a long time crush, and - even if it took liquid courage - I still did it, and I fell in love. I've always been scared to fall in love or even date a boy because I've been turned down so many times and even thought I was in love once and he didn't feel the same. Nobody ever felt the same until this summer. I've never been so open with anyone about myself until this summer. I've never felt so alive until this summer.

I'm not saying that since summer is ending so is my happiness, it's just that I now have so many memories tied to it and I'm having the best time that I don't want it to end. I'm sort of scared, however, that it will all go downhill like every summer's end before.

Fuck.

Last night ended up being a cluster-fuck of fun, anger and most of all, confusion.
It turned to shit just as it was getting good.

Today isn't much better.

Short update

I had plans with a few friends/boyfriend to go to Michigan's Adventure tomorrow but I'm broke. Like, zero dollars, until Friday.

I had an agreement with my mom to borrow the $25 for a ticket and pay her back Friday, but she just got a bunch of bills she needs to pay.

I suppose I can find something else fun [and free] to do tomorrow, but I was extremely excited. I think after my Cedar Point trip last week, I have a new addiction to roller coasters.

Other than that let-down, however, I feel very happy. And healthy for the first time in what seems like forever :)

Ending note:
Interesting article, if you're into it.

:)

Adrian was hilarious. Cedar Point was a blast.
Summer is going by way too fast.

Oh, the places we will go ...

Going to Adrian, MI tomorrow to meet my boyfriend's parents and bring the rukus.

And then it's off to Ohio for Cedar Point on Tuesday. I'm so excited/nervous.

This summer has been so good to me.

Dear lover,

Do you remember the sound of your laughter and demise, and that was all.
I need to fall in love.

This matter- it's something bigger. Anything ever graced my heart, and that was all.
I could fall in love ... with you. And I can't stall this now.
Did you find some happiness with me? Now I know the way true love should be.

Dear lover, do you remember the beats of my heart that I gave you? And that was all.
I need to fall in love.
It shattered, slipped through my fingers, floated down safely into your hands. And that was all.
I could fall in love ... with you. I can't stall this now.

Did you find some happiness with me?

Restless

I'm sitting here drinking a cup of coffee for, I think, the first time this summer. I used to be a fiend.
I'm still so tired. I must have hit snooze 20 times this morning.
Why is it that whenever I have to work a 9-hour shift I never get enough sleep?

Mostly I'm blaming it on the fact that I had nobody to cuddle with last night, and I'm so used to it lately.

I'll update more later. I have a lot on my mind and not enough time. Let's hope I can actually compose all these thoughts and get them out.

Work 12pm to 9pm - today and tomorrow.

Sorry.

I only hide what's on my mind because I can't explain.

Veg

I'm sick of people thinking the decisions I make, and the things I'm interested in are forced upon me by others.

I have my my own mind, and have always marched to the beat of my own drum, so to speak.
I'm turning to vegetarianism again, and some people think that the reason I am doing it again is because of someone else. Not at all.

The only reason I started eating meat again was because I needed my nutrients back because I was pretty close to dying.
It kills me every time I eat meat. Not physically, but mentally. I'm done. I don't give 2 shits if you call me a "faggot" or anything else for choosing not to eat meat, either. People need to grow up, get real, and accept my decisions.

It's OK.

"It's OK to lie. It's OK to steal. It's OK to have premarital sex. It's OK to cheat or to kill if these things are part of your value system, and you clarified these values for yourself. The important thing is not what values you choose, but that you have chosen them for yourself and without coercion of parents, spouse, priest, friends, ministers or social pressure of any kind."

So much on my mind.

I've realized that all I do is wish and dream and want for good things to happen, but I don't actually put an effort into making things better.
I've tried and failed many times, so I guess somewhere along the way I just completely gave up.
Life is all about trial and error, but I've realized that I can't just give up.
If I give up, then I'll be miserable forever, and that's the last thing I want. That's the last thing I need.

I've spent my life caring so much about others that I completely forgot about myself. I can't even take care of myself, and that is [beyond] not okay.
I am the happiest I've been in a long time this summer, but I am also really very miserable with lots of things right now. I've spent a great deal of this year trying to turn my life around, better myself, and "find myself."
I'm still working on it.

I can't exactly figure it out, but there is an empty space that needs to be filled. Part of me feels like the luckiest girl in the world because I got what I've wanted for so long.
But then part of me feels completely ... incomplete. What is missing?

I keep telling myself that there is still time. Maybe it's possible that I have changed, even just a little, and the changes I have been going through aren't completely finished.
I often find myself contemplating giving up. But I'm trying to enjoy life and everything it is giving me and just letting whatever comes my way - come my way.

I'm not expecting myself to be completely healed and happy and just all-around different overnight.
I think I can wait for that. I've waited this long, and I'm certain it will all be worth the wait.

Some things are completely and utterly amazing right now.
As for everything else, I have all the hope in the word that it will happen one day.

In pictures: adventures and 2 month anniversaries

 I am absolutely happy and this summer has been so, so, so good to me - so far.

From the 4th - spent the day with my boy.





[Haha he is so cute]


[I hate when my bangs do that ...]

We were cheesey and celebrated our 2 month anniversary. We had a plan to drink Captain Morgan and Baileys [Morgan is my last name and Bailey is his], but we were broke to we drank Fosters [we have this thing with Australia] and Canadian LTD whiskey and he cooked spaghetti for me and we watched Leprechaun In The Hood [amazing].


Yesterday was an epic adventure day with my sister/BFF


[^ Kacey]


[^ Me]


[Some graffiti]






[Kacey's old apartment building.]


[Me flipping off the office]


[We decided to take pictures outside of her apartment. Nobody lives there!]


[The lobby.]




[Playing around outside of my work.]

We went downtown and to her old apartment building and then to my job and played in kiddy carts.