C.R.E.A.M

I picked up a shift at work tonight AND I work tomorrow AND I work 31 hours next week. Ballin'!

Time to start saving money for summer road trips:)
Oh yeah, and my fines :|

It's beautiful outside!

I'm on it.

Whenever I drink too much it's to escape from my head, as cliche as that sounds.
To escape from my worries and my fears and my nervousness and my self-hate and my ...self. To be free and happy and fun.
But it always makes things worse. Why don't I get that yet?
I end up hurting the people I love the most, ultimately worrying more, fearing more, getting more nervous, and hating myself more.
I'm very, very sorry.
I don't want to lose my boyfriend or my best friends because I get too drunk sometimes.
It never used to be like this. I used to be a fun drunk.

I'm definitely going to limit my intake when I drink.
Alcohol is starting to hate me.

I am 21, I'm supposed to have fun when I drink, not be depressed.

It's so crazy how it'd make my week just to hear them mention your name.

It's Valentine's Day, and I have a boyfriend for the first time ever on this day.
I just really, really like doing things for John Bailey, everyday, and today I can really go all-out since it's a holiday, and not feel corny ;) He's been so good to me.

I have so much to write but I'm not sure where to start.
I'll try again later.

My mom asked me if I was pregnant this morning :( Am I huge? I mean, what the fuck? That has been bothering me all day. Doesn't help that I felt like crap before that.

I guess I have to lose more weight than I thought. Apparently.

Crazy dream.

I had a very insane dream last night involving my boyfriend, myself and another girl having a threesome - something I would never do, by the way. She wasn't very pretty, and she was very annoying.
My boyfriend ended up wanting to be with both of us, like those people you see on Montell or something who have 2 girlfriends or 2 boyfriends. Well, I, of course, didn't want that because I think it's disgusting.
He didn't understand when I got upset and starting crying over the fact that I wasn't enough for him, and I gave him the choice: me or her. He picked her.
After he walked out of my house and wouldn't even stop to talk to me about it, I started crying and went back inside my house.
Inside of my house were my brother and my old friends from middle school trying to look for something in my bedroom. Out of my closet comes a huge badger! It bites down on my hand and won't let go. I'm still crying from my boyfriend leaving me for a bitch, and now I'm crying from a BADGER NOT LETTING GO OF MY HAND WITH ITS ENORMOUS TEETH. I shake it off, finally, and it runs in my backyard.
Fast-forward to the next day.
I walk to Family Fare [my work] to pick up my check, and I don't recognize anyone. The store didn't even look the same. And when I got my check, they gave me a picture of a bunch of stuffed animals and toys. I'm confused. And THEN I see Roseanne at lane 1. I guess she worked there as a cashier?! I went up to her and told her how I had just watched a marathon of her show before I got there, and she loved it.
I go outside to leave and a huge box of stuffed animals appear. I'm confused, again. The same ones in the picture, only real. I set it outside the Family Fare entrance and put a "take me" sign by it.
I start to walk out of the parking lot and I see my boyfriend. He comes up to me and says, "Lets talk." We walk down Fulton to where the Farmer's Market is SUPPOSED to be, but it's a lake. We sit b the lake and he tells me that he wasn't sure what he was thinking when he chose the other girl. We hugged and I forgave him.
He said he never slept with her when we were broken up, and that she was cool to hang out with until she kept putting on insane amounts lipgloss and singing "Mrs. lipgoss! Mrs. lip gloss" over and over. He hates lipgloss.


... And then my boyfriend woke me up out of my sleep, and guess what? There was a Roseanne marathon on TV.

I've discovered I like to paint and draw, even if I suck at it.
I've been writing a lot and arting a lot.
It's a good release.

I don't mean to seem like I care about material things

I think with tax returns, if I get a good amount, I'm wanting to get the following things:

Holga camera [with starter pack]

[Or]

Lomography Action Sampler

And

Nikon Coolpix S210

[Or another cheap but good digital camera]

... And

A tattoo:

This:

An Irish Claddagh, which stands for love[heart], loyalty[crown], and friendship[hands]  - which I believe makes life worth living. I would probably get it on the inside of my mid-arm, above the wrist a ways.

Or this,

... but I want my dog Bagel's actual paw prints. Dip them in ink and bring them in.

I want each paw print under my collarbones. This tattoo would also mean a lot to me, because my mom decided to adopt this dog when I was going through the worst time in my life, and he has made me very happy.
*And don't mind the shitty Photoshop I did in 1 minute. That's just to show the placement.

And of course, clothes, because I'm getting tired of all of mine.

That's a bingo!

Inglorious Bastards was dope.

And I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu so much.

All my life, I've felt the pressure to change to make others love me.
[I stopped doing that, started doing what I wanted.]
And, it's all coming back - Only this time, I would love to change for you.

I'm starting to get crafty again, it's really the only thing *good* for me that will distract me from the constant worry on my mind. That and I do get to snuggle with my boo tonight [hey, it's not light outside yet - it's still night in my book] afterall ;)

I have to pay some of my probation fine tomorrow, and then drop, and then a probation meeting Tuesday. I'm nervous for that.

Seperation anxiety.

This is going to be weird.

I'm going to need to find a hobby, seeing as my boyfriend and best friend and [almost]everyone else is going back to school and I don't even have my GED yet.

I'm already lonely :( :|

In Plaster

I shall never get out of this! There are two of me now:
This new absolutely white person and the old yellow one,
And the white person is certainly the superior one.
She doesn't need food, she is one of the real saints.
At the beginning I hated her, she had no personality --
She lay in bed with me like a dead body
And I was scared, because she was shaped just the way I was.

Only much whiter and unbreakable and with no complaints.
I couldn't sleep for a week, she was so cold.
I blamed her for everything, but she didn't answer.
I couldn't understand her stupid behavior!
When I hit her she held still, like a true pacifist.
Then I realized what she wanted was for me to love her:
She began to warm up, and I saw her advantages.

Without me, she wouldn't exist, so of course she was grateful.
I gave her a soul, I bloomed out of her as a rose
Blooms out of a vase of not very valuable porcelain,
And it was I who attracted everybody's attention,
Not her whiteness and beauty, as I had at first supposed.
I patronized her a little, and she lapped it up --
You could tell almost at once she had a slave mentality.

I didn't mind her waiting on me, and she adored it.
In the morning she woke me early, reflecting the sun
From her amazingly white torso, and I couldn't help but notice
Her tidiness and her calmness and her patience:
She humored my weakness like the best of nurses,
Holding my bones in place so they would mend properly.
In time our relationship grew more intense.

She stopped fitting me so closely and seemed offish.
I felt her criticizing me in spite of herself,
As if my habits offended her in some way.
She let in the drafts and became more and more absent-minded.
And my skin itched and flaked away in soft pieces
Simply because she looked after me so badly.
Then I saw what the trouble was: she thought she was immortal.

She wanted to leave me, she thought she was superior,
And I'd been keeping her in the dark, and she was resentful --
Wasting her days waiting on a half-corpse!
And secretly she began to hope I'd die.
Then she could cover my mouth and eyes, cover me entirely,
And wear my painted face the way a mummy-case
Wears the face of a pharaoh, though it's made of mud and water.

I wasn't in any position to get rid of her.
She'd supported me for so long I was quite limp --
I had forgotten how to walk or sit,
So I was careful not to upset her in any way
Or brag ahead of time how I'd avenge myself.
Living with her was like living with my own coffin:
Yet I still depended on her, though I did it regretfully.

I used to think we might make a go of it together --
After all, it was a kind of marriage, being so close.
Now I see it must be one or the other of us.
She may be a saint, and I may be ugly and hairy,
But she'll soon find out that that doesn't matter a bit.
I'm collecting my strength; one day I shall manage without her,
And she'll perish with emptiness then, and begin to miss me.

Wow.

I am finding out a whole lot of shit I never wanted to know.


Why do I care so much?

Tomorrow is a new day.

I'm all alone right now. I used to love being alone sometimes. Now I get so bored and start to think about things too much and get all ... sad. It's weird.

Anyway.

Starting tonight, at midnight, I'm going to seriously set out to lose some weight. I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but I am not happy with how much weight I've gained. I know I'm a woman and people think women should have curves and all that, but I don't like it on me. I've gained 25 pounds since summer 2008. I get depressed when people tell me I have boobs now. It might be my crazy image of myself or distorted thoughts or WHATEVER. I don't know.

What really confuses me is how I can still fit all my size 0 and 00 jeans from when I was 95-100 pounds with ease, some are even still big on me.
Hm.

Yup - tomorrow is day 1.

2010

I wish I could take it back.
I wish I didn't hurt you. I wish you didn't hurt me afterward.
I love you. And I hate that I keep screwing up.

I had the best [and first] new years kiss ever. I've had a lot of firsts and best-evers in 2009. I will remember that, and all of '09 for as long as I live.

Once again, I almost lost you on what should have been a fantastic night.
Never again.

New year, new me.
Or, at least I'm going to try harder.

Resolutions

I promised I would never do this again, because I never accomplish any of my goals.
But I've once again fallen into the trend of New Years Resolutions.

This year, I pretty much have all I need:
A best friend, who is also my sister. She's always been there for me, and always will be. Even if sometimes we disagree on things and argue and have a lot of different opinions and ideals and interests and tastes, she's the closest person to me, in more ways than one. I know her and she knows me more than anyone else. We share crazy senses of humor and get each other, when nobody else does. I know that I can be silly and also very serious with her. It's a pretty amazing to thing to have a sister and a best friend in the same package.

A boyfriend. My first real boyfriend. [Paul Rathbun for a week in the 5th grade doesn't count ;)] I never thought I'd fall in in love so fast, or fall in love period. Before him, I believe all of my crushes have been unrequited, and that's why I never went looking for a boyfriend. I denied my feelings for him so much at first, when he first started working with me at Family Fare. But it was always there. I remember getting butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw him. I remember looking at him constantly and then looking away, because I didn't want him to think I was a creep or something. I never knew he liked me until about a month or two before I hung out with him. I remember our first kiss, even though I got wasted before he came over because I needed some sort of liquid courage to talk to him. I remember the first time we slept together, and how I wasn't nervous when sex always scared me for some reason. Maybe it was because I had always waited for a right guy. I remember telling myself before we even talked that I just wanted to get it over with, with anyone, just to do it because I was still a virgin at 20 years old and I felt less-than all of my friends, or something. Anyway, I'm glad I waited for him, because he was, and is the right guy for me. I feel so beautiful around him, when I've never felt beautiful in my life. He makes me feel so safe and comfortable, and I can be myself around him. We are becoming best friends.

My other good friends, the ones that have stuck around through everything when the others ducked out. I love them. We have so much fun together, and make my life more fun. You know who you are.

Myself. I am slowly but surely "finding" myself, every single day. I'm realizing my true self. I know what I love and don't let anyone tell me that these things are stupid. I have my own ideals and opinions and don't let others bash them. I have my own style, even if it's not so stylish, but it's me. I got my dreadlocks back that I really regretted combing out every time I've done it. I'm sure I'll do it again some day, because sometimes I need a change or get bored, but for now I really love them, even if others thing they're nasty or ugly. I became a vegetarian again, something I had to do for myself. It kills me to think of animals dying for our taste buds. There's so much more to that that I won't get into. I am still, and probably always will be unhappy with my body. I've always had the worst body image issues. I'm still working on that. I still am unsure about my future, career wise, because there are so many things I would love to do. I still need to get my GED and have the money to pay for that, as well as my fines for probation and my many, many medical bills. I've made a lot of mistakes this year and had quite a few heartaches, but I believe all of the good things that happened this year outweigh the bad. I'll figure everything out.

Anyway, next year, the things I want to accomplish:

I would like to lose maybe 10 pounds. I feel so uncomfortable at this weight. It's the most I've weighed since probably 2004. I just want to be comfortable with myself.

I want to get my probation fine paid off and take this alcohol awareness class so I can get off probation. This is the biggest screw up I believe I've ever made, and I need to fix it and start being more responsible. I don't want to end up in jail. I've already violated probation a few too many times. It's not cool.

I would like to get more hours at my current job, or find another job. I wouldn't want to leave Family Fare because I have been there so long and love a lot of the people I work with. It's like a comfort zone, a second home. But I can't survive on 9 hours a week, especially if I want to do the above.

I want to get a tattoo. I've always wanted one. Both of the tattoos I want mean a lot to me, unlike a lost of things people get. I don't know. I'm hoping to do that with my tax return money.

I want to move out. I know that's far fetched, especially in my financial situation, but it'd be nice. I'm 21 and still living at home, and, even though I have awesome parents who don't care if my friends come over and wreak havoc, it'd just be nice to experience moving out, being independent.

I want to cut down, and eventually stop smoking. I've been smoking cigarettes regularly since I was 16, It's a waste of money, even though I love smoking [dumb, huh?], and I don't need the unhealthy aspect. I'm already unhealthy enough as it is.

I need to start writing more, taking more pictures [I also need a new camera], and using my creativity more.

I think that's it, although I'm sure there's more. The list never ends.

Blah.

No Mustard Plug tonight. I guess my brother's friends in the band Squints, who are also playing, had tickets for cheaper but ran out. I suppose it's not a big loss, seeing as I've seen MP over 20 times. Maybe even 30. But really, I needed a little ska in my life. It always cheers me up. Oh well.
I'm actually listening to Mustard Plug right now. I guess it makes up for it.

Chess and beer with my boyfriend tonight <3

Safe

I'm another world away, my old self locked in a cage where I have to stand and stay, just a moment any day.
Just what I left behind still lives, I can hear it when I'm still.
Weak connection, lines will cross, different lives, we co-exist.

If I could only take the time, fade away and crawl inside. I know you worry that I'm far away - At least you know that I'm still safe. I'm safe.

Now again I hear your voice, loudest when we haven't spoke.
Ringing in my ears - drowns the empty roaring of the crowd.
I'm alone most of the time, repenting every single crime.
Absolution in a glass, but I wake up where I have slept.

If I could only take the time, fade away and crawl inside. I know you worry that I'm far away - At least you know that I'm still safe. I'm safe.



Mustard Plug show Monday! I hope I can find $10. I haven't seen them in far too long, and I need a little ska in my life ;)