Fuck.

Last night ended up being a cluster-fuck of fun, anger and most of all, confusion.
It turned to shit just as it was getting good.

Today isn't much better.

Short update

I had plans with a few friends/boyfriend to go to Michigan's Adventure tomorrow but I'm broke. Like, zero dollars, until Friday.

I had an agreement with my mom to borrow the $25 for a ticket and pay her back Friday, but she just got a bunch of bills she needs to pay.

I suppose I can find something else fun [and free] to do tomorrow, but I was extremely excited. I think after my Cedar Point trip last week, I have a new addiction to roller coasters.

Other than that let-down, however, I feel very happy. And healthy for the first time in what seems like forever :)

Ending note:
Interesting article, if you're into it.

:)

Adrian was hilarious. Cedar Point was a blast.
Summer is going by way too fast.

Oh, the places we will go ...

Going to Adrian, MI tomorrow to meet my boyfriend's parents and bring the rukus.

And then it's off to Ohio for Cedar Point on Tuesday. I'm so excited/nervous.

This summer has been so good to me.

Dear lover,

Do you remember the sound of your laughter and demise, and that was all.
I need to fall in love.

This matter- it's something bigger. Anything ever graced my heart, and that was all.
I could fall in love ... with you. And I can't stall this now.
Did you find some happiness with me? Now I know the way true love should be.

Dear lover, do you remember the beats of my heart that I gave you? And that was all.
I need to fall in love.
It shattered, slipped through my fingers, floated down safely into your hands. And that was all.
I could fall in love ... with you. I can't stall this now.

Did you find some happiness with me?

Restless

I'm sitting here drinking a cup of coffee for, I think, the first time this summer. I used to be a fiend.
I'm still so tired. I must have hit snooze 20 times this morning.
Why is it that whenever I have to work a 9-hour shift I never get enough sleep?

Mostly I'm blaming it on the fact that I had nobody to cuddle with last night, and I'm so used to it lately.

I'll update more later. I have a lot on my mind and not enough time. Let's hope I can actually compose all these thoughts and get them out.

Work 12pm to 9pm - today and tomorrow.

Sorry.

I only hide what's on my mind because I can't explain.

Veg

I'm sick of people thinking the decisions I make, and the things I'm interested in are forced upon me by others.

I have my my own mind, and have always marched to the beat of my own drum, so to speak.
I'm turning to vegetarianism again, and some people think that the reason I am doing it again is because of someone else. Not at all.

The only reason I started eating meat again was because I needed my nutrients back because I was pretty close to dying.
It kills me every time I eat meat. Not physically, but mentally. I'm done. I don't give 2 shits if you call me a "faggot" or anything else for choosing not to eat meat, either. People need to grow up, get real, and accept my decisions.

It's OK.

"It's OK to lie. It's OK to steal. It's OK to have premarital sex. It's OK to cheat or to kill if these things are part of your value system, and you clarified these values for yourself. The important thing is not what values you choose, but that you have chosen them for yourself and without coercion of parents, spouse, priest, friends, ministers or social pressure of any kind."

So much on my mind.

I've realized that all I do is wish and dream and want for good things to happen, but I don't actually put an effort into making things better.
I've tried and failed many times, so I guess somewhere along the way I just completely gave up.
Life is all about trial and error, but I've realized that I can't just give up.
If I give up, then I'll be miserable forever, and that's the last thing I want. That's the last thing I need.

I've spent my life caring so much about others that I completely forgot about myself. I can't even take care of myself, and that is [beyond] not okay.
I am the happiest I've been in a long time this summer, but I am also really very miserable with lots of things right now. I've spent a great deal of this year trying to turn my life around, better myself, and "find myself."
I'm still working on it.

I can't exactly figure it out, but there is an empty space that needs to be filled. Part of me feels like the luckiest girl in the world because I got what I've wanted for so long.
But then part of me feels completely ... incomplete. What is missing?

I keep telling myself that there is still time. Maybe it's possible that I have changed, even just a little, and the changes I have been going through aren't completely finished.
I often find myself contemplating giving up. But I'm trying to enjoy life and everything it is giving me and just letting whatever comes my way - come my way.

I'm not expecting myself to be completely healed and happy and just all-around different overnight.
I think I can wait for that. I've waited this long, and I'm certain it will all be worth the wait.

Some things are completely and utterly amazing right now.
As for everything else, I have all the hope in the word that it will happen one day.

In pictures: adventures and 2 month anniversaries

 I am absolutely happy and this summer has been so, so, so good to me - so far.

From the 4th - spent the day with my boy.





[Haha he is so cute]


[I hate when my bangs do that ...]

We were cheesey and celebrated our 2 month anniversary. We had a plan to drink Captain Morgan and Baileys [Morgan is my last name and Bailey is his], but we were broke to we drank Fosters [we have this thing with Australia] and Canadian LTD whiskey and he cooked spaghetti for me and we watched Leprechaun In The Hood [amazing].


Yesterday was an epic adventure day with my sister/BFF


[^ Kacey]


[^ Me]


[Some graffiti]






[Kacey's old apartment building.]


[Me flipping off the office]


[We decided to take pictures outside of her apartment. Nobody lives there!]


[The lobby.]




[Playing around outside of my work.]

We went downtown and to her old apartment building and then to my job and played in kiddy carts.