Resolutions

I promised I would never do this again, because I never accomplish any of my goals.
But I've once again fallen into the trend of New Years Resolutions.

This year, I pretty much have all I need:
A best friend, who is also my sister. She's always been there for me, and always will be. Even if sometimes we disagree on things and argue and have a lot of different opinions and ideals and interests and tastes, she's the closest person to me, in more ways than one. I know her and she knows me more than anyone else. We share crazy senses of humor and get each other, when nobody else does. I know that I can be silly and also very serious with her. It's a pretty amazing to thing to have a sister and a best friend in the same package.

A boyfriend. My first real boyfriend. [Paul Rathbun for a week in the 5th grade doesn't count ;)] I never thought I'd fall in in love so fast, or fall in love period. Before him, I believe all of my crushes have been unrequited, and that's why I never went looking for a boyfriend. I denied my feelings for him so much at first, when he first started working with me at Family Fare. But it was always there. I remember getting butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw him. I remember looking at him constantly and then looking away, because I didn't want him to think I was a creep or something. I never knew he liked me until about a month or two before I hung out with him. I remember our first kiss, even though I got wasted before he came over because I needed some sort of liquid courage to talk to him. I remember the first time we slept together, and how I wasn't nervous when sex always scared me for some reason. Maybe it was because I had always waited for a right guy. I remember telling myself before we even talked that I just wanted to get it over with, with anyone, just to do it because I was still a virgin at 20 years old and I felt less-than all of my friends, or something. Anyway, I'm glad I waited for him, because he was, and is the right guy for me. I feel so beautiful around him, when I've never felt beautiful in my life. He makes me feel so safe and comfortable, and I can be myself around him. We are becoming best friends.

My other good friends, the ones that have stuck around through everything when the others ducked out. I love them. We have so much fun together, and make my life more fun. You know who you are.

Myself. I am slowly but surely "finding" myself, every single day. I'm realizing my true self. I know what I love and don't let anyone tell me that these things are stupid. I have my own ideals and opinions and don't let others bash them. I have my own style, even if it's not so stylish, but it's me. I got my dreadlocks back that I really regretted combing out every time I've done it. I'm sure I'll do it again some day, because sometimes I need a change or get bored, but for now I really love them, even if others thing they're nasty or ugly. I became a vegetarian again, something I had to do for myself. It kills me to think of animals dying for our taste buds. There's so much more to that that I won't get into. I am still, and probably always will be unhappy with my body. I've always had the worst body image issues. I'm still working on that. I still am unsure about my future, career wise, because there are so many things I would love to do. I still need to get my GED and have the money to pay for that, as well as my fines for probation and my many, many medical bills. I've made a lot of mistakes this year and had quite a few heartaches, but I believe all of the good things that happened this year outweigh the bad. I'll figure everything out.

Anyway, next year, the things I want to accomplish:

I would like to lose maybe 10 pounds. I feel so uncomfortable at this weight. It's the most I've weighed since probably 2004. I just want to be comfortable with myself.

I want to get my probation fine paid off and take this alcohol awareness class so I can get off probation. This is the biggest screw up I believe I've ever made, and I need to fix it and start being more responsible. I don't want to end up in jail. I've already violated probation a few too many times. It's not cool.

I would like to get more hours at my current job, or find another job. I wouldn't want to leave Family Fare because I have been there so long and love a lot of the people I work with. It's like a comfort zone, a second home. But I can't survive on 9 hours a week, especially if I want to do the above.

I want to get a tattoo. I've always wanted one. Both of the tattoos I want mean a lot to me, unlike a lost of things people get. I don't know. I'm hoping to do that with my tax return money.

I want to move out. I know that's far fetched, especially in my financial situation, but it'd be nice. I'm 21 and still living at home, and, even though I have awesome parents who don't care if my friends come over and wreak havoc, it'd just be nice to experience moving out, being independent.

I want to cut down, and eventually stop smoking. I've been smoking cigarettes regularly since I was 16, It's a waste of money, even though I love smoking [dumb, huh?], and I don't need the unhealthy aspect. I'm already unhealthy enough as it is.

I need to start writing more, taking more pictures [I also need a new camera], and using my creativity more.

I think that's it, although I'm sure there's more. The list never ends.

Blah.

No Mustard Plug tonight. I guess my brother's friends in the band Squints, who are also playing, had tickets for cheaper but ran out. I suppose it's not a big loss, seeing as I've seen MP over 20 times. Maybe even 30. But really, I needed a little ska in my life. It always cheers me up. Oh well.
I'm actually listening to Mustard Plug right now. I guess it makes up for it.

Chess and beer with my boyfriend tonight <3

Safe

I'm another world away, my old self locked in a cage where I have to stand and stay, just a moment any day.
Just what I left behind still lives, I can hear it when I'm still.
Weak connection, lines will cross, different lives, we co-exist.

If I could only take the time, fade away and crawl inside. I know you worry that I'm far away - At least you know that I'm still safe. I'm safe.

Now again I hear your voice, loudest when we haven't spoke.
Ringing in my ears - drowns the empty roaring of the crowd.
I'm alone most of the time, repenting every single crime.
Absolution in a glass, but I wake up where I have slept.

If I could only take the time, fade away and crawl inside. I know you worry that I'm far away - At least you know that I'm still safe. I'm safe.



Mustard Plug show Monday! I hope I can find $10. I haven't seen them in far too long, and I need a little ska in my life ;)

:)

My baby is back! I love John Bailey <3

IDK, real post later.

First sentence from first entry of every month you've had your journal/blog:

march - I have the biggest crush on this boy at work.
april - Pistons got swept by the Cavs last night.
may - Work is shafting me, or something.
june - [no entries for june]
july - I'm having a fantastic summer.
august -  I am absolutely happy.
september - Summer has flown by all too fast - or maybe it feels that way because this has been one of the best summers of my life.
october - I believe I am officially sick.
november - Happy November! :)
december - 7 in the morning and I have yet to sleep.



Hanging out Kacey tonight, working at noon-6pm tomorrow.

I swear, whenever I'm alone, everything gets bad.

I feel like screaming half the time.
I hate that I'm stressed constantly. I hate that the reasons for my stress are all my fault.

That sense of peace I felt this summer is gone. The feeling of hopefulness and excitement I felt just a few months ago is gone now, and I know it won't be back until I get my shit together.

I don't know how to solve things. I've never been good at fixing things in my own life. I spend all of my time trying to make others happy and forget about myself. Lately I've been trying to cover messes up so I don't have to see them, think about them.
Whenever I think about everything, everything I'm messing up and everything I'm risking, I get dizzy.

I just keep thinking, What the hell am I going to do? How do I do this? Why did I, and still put myself in these situations? Everything was so, so, so amazingly amazing for once, and now it's totally gone.
I am kidding myself trying to stay positive when everything is no negative.
Few things in my life are keeping me sane right now. My amazing boyfriend, friends, and family. And without them I think I might break down.

I used to be excited about the future. And now, I'm flat out terrified of it.

I don't know why I try so hard sometimes to appease others. I mean, yes, I want to make others happy, and avoid fights and disappointment, but in the end, I just end up unhappy, fighting with myself, and disappointing myself. I have remained unchanged, on the inside, for as long as I can remember. I never felt the need to change for anybody. Nobody. But now, it's different.
And I hate it, but at the same time, I understand it.

I will always stay true to myself, even if I have to tweak a few things.
This is me now. This is me forever.
I think I'm a pretty okay girl.

Same ol' stuff.

Nobody probably sees it. The ones who know of it, and really know me probably do.
It doesn't matter. I only see what I want to see, and do what I want to do. It gives me pleasure, yet causes me so much pain.

So, I throw a fit. I throw a tantrum, in my head, for a long time. I do it when nobody is around. And sometimes I fake it. "What's wrong?" I lie. I fake it, and take it out on everyone else, and blame it on other things.

And I'm really angry that you're confused, and you don't understand. But at the same time I'm so happy that you don't.

Sorry. It's edited.

Bi-polar thoughts.

Tuesday night was the most fun I’ve had in a while.
Laughing until I cry is never a bad thing.
Acid will do that to you.

I feel like I'm hogging my boyfriend, a little. We spend pretty much every day together. I wonder if he's sick of me.
I never thought I could become so clingy. And soft! I used to be so hard.
I never thought I'd fall so fast for someone.

Tomorrow is bowling night! And we're sledding after :)


I can't wait until Friday - payday. I need money.
I need to get my shit together soon.
GED, paying off fines, growing the fuck up.

All over the place.

As much as I love how beautiful snow is, I sure don't like being in it.
It's absolutely gorgeous; the icicles, the snow covered trees, the sparkles. But I'm naturally cold even in the summertime, so it's hard. I guess I have to deal with it and make the best of it. I really want to make a snowman!

We're supposed to go bowling tonight, but I don't know if that's going to happen. $1 shoes, $1 games, $1 beers!

I'm going to make falafel soon, when I have the ingredients. I found a nice recipe.

Oh, and I got my new ID today. I look kinda pissed, not that you can tell from the shitty camera picture. [I can't find the cord to my scanner!] They also put the wrong weight, just copied it from my old ID. I am not 95 pounds anymore ...

I shouldn't have worn my fluffy hooded coat. Oh well, I resemble a lion.

I will be doing lame stuff in Sony Vegas until I find something else to do.
Peace.

Blah, blah, blah.

I have no self control anymore.

Probation meeting went well, as per usual. We didn't talk about probation, as per usual. She gave me all my urine test results I have done since I was first put on probation. I have dropped clean every time.

I told her I couldn't take that class on Friday because I can't have the $55 for it, by then. Once I can take this class, I will be a happy girl. No ore dropping.

I'm having money issues.

I hate that my job cut my hours so badly this year. This whole year.

I think my boyfriend really wants me to quit smoking. I do to.
But it's not easy. Especially when you're as stressed as I am every single day.

I'm going to listen to music and wallow.

But first, my boyfriend did this. It's me. It was a project having to do with fears. He did 'fear of drowning.' I love it. He is so amazingly talented.

Check out his other stuff here: http://johnbaileyart.blogspot.com/

Hm? Not really.

Twenty one.

My 21st was great! It sucks that my sister/best friend is sick and can't drink and couldn't go out to the bars with us last night, though.

I had a good night, and remember it all :)

It was also my boyfriend and my 6 month <3 I love him so much, and every day is like the first day. It still feels new and exciting and he still gives me "butterflies" :)

Going out again tonight, I think.

So far, 21 rules.

Best birthday present ever.

Allen Iverson signs with 76ers again
I am ecstatic. HEAVEN MUST FEEL LIKE THIS.

Dedicated December

 For the month of December, commit to do at least 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, and run a mile every day.

I'm tweaking it a bit - I'm going to do 100 girl push-ups due to my lack of upper arm strength, and probably walk most of my mile because I'm a smoker :x

I hope I can stick to this. I need to get in shape :)

I already did my 100 sit-ups and push-ups. I have yet to walk/run. Maybe a nice night-time walk later.

Sleep don't come easy.

7 in the morning and I have yet to sleep. I swear I have some weird separation insomnia, or something. It's weird.

I've been up listening to the entire Animal Collective discography, talking to people on Facebook, contemplating eating, smoking cigarette after cigarette, and writing. My eyes are heavy, but I feel like if I lie down I'll just stare at the ceiling. Sleeping alone is uncomfortable now. I've got an addiction to cuddling, I believe.

I must get my ID picture taken today. I'm so stupid - I've been meaning to do that all month.

3 days till 21! So far, my plans are going out with John Bailey at midnight on the 3rd, in the morning or afternoon we're doing something for our 6 months together, which is also on my birthday. My mom is taking me out for pizza and beer. And then I'm going bar hopping with good friends. And my friend Jason just told be about a kegger, so I might go to that after the bars.

I'm pretty excited, and I promised myself I won't get too fucked up. I'd like to remember this one.

We'll see how this day goes. I just wish I could sleep for a bit.

4 days and thinking.

I can't turn my mind off. I'm almost 21 [4 days!], and that's like ... big. I've just been thinking about this year a lot, and how fast it has gone by, and just ...

My life has gone through some pretty drastic changes this year. I gained about 20 pounds [which I'm trying very hard to lose], I lost my virginity [I only waited so long because I wanted it to be the right person. And it was!], I fell in love fast [which I never thought would happen], I went to my boyfriends hometown and to Cedar Point with him, which was really special because he liked me enough then to bring me to where he grew up, and introduce me to his family.

I did two drugs I never thought I would do - shrooms and acid. Taking shrooms the first time made me think a lot and see things I've never seen before. I learned a bit about myself, in some ways. Some things I still think about, like the thoughts in my head, and the visuals I had on them. The second time I took them and acid at the same time, as well as drank. I didn't feel funny, I didn't think too much, I didn't see anything or have any sort of epiphanies, so to speak, like the first time. I just had fun. That added with seeing Bassnectar after taking them was definitely A+.

I got an MIP and have been on probation since September, and have to take weekly drug/alcohol tests [which I also never thought would happen. I've always been extremely lucky in the drinking department.] I could have died falling down cement stairs and hitting my head on the 14th of this month, and I am extremely lucky and thankful that there was no major problems, just a bump and some bruises. But it definitely effected my life, just like everything that happened this year.

A lot more has happened - like the pregnancy scare. But a lot of stuff I want to keep private.

To be perfectly honest, most days I don't feel like my old self. I don't know whats happened to me, and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I think it's just still all the memories - good and bad - and the experiences, and the people I've met, and all the changes I've gone through. It's like a big mixture of good and bad, ups and downs, and that's what life is, right?

Who knows - maybe more terrible things will happen before the new year. And maybe more amazing things will happen.
Whatever happens, I'm ready. I almost have to be by now.

I don't know what it is, and I can't exactly recall when it started, but lately I've been feeling incredibly stressed, nervous, and emotional. I surround myself with people who can make me laugh and keep me distracted enough to forget, if only for a short time, everything on my mind and everything I'm dealing with. Or I'll play music that reminds me of good things - people, old memories, stuff llke that.

Anyway,
I haven't felt good in a month or so. Maybe more. And the past week, I haven't slept well, or slept at all.
My body doesn't feel right. I don't feel right with my body.
I'm sort of scared I'll go back to my old behaviors, but I keep telling myself "maybe that won't be so bad."
Sickening, sort of.

What can I do to get out of my head and back into life?

I had a great time yesterday. My boyfriend came back from Adrian and when I saw his face it was sort of like a head rush. He was only gone for 3 days, but when you're so used to seeing someone all the time and they're gone, it just feels weird. And it feels amazing to see them again.

After work, we went to a party at my friend Silas' house. It seemed like everyone was on acid - maybe because the majority of them are. I remembered why I stopped hanging out with a lot of people who do drugs. I'm not a big fan of drugs, or people who do them all the time. I know I do things people think are boring or annoying or harmful, but drugs just kind of piss me off. I like taking drugs every once in a while, but when you do them every single day, that's not fun. I loved my experience with acid. I loved my experiences with shrooms. But it's like all of those drugs are a part of their daily routine, or something. I don't know.
Anyway, it was a fun night.
And then I got to snuggle with my boyfriend after. We slept real late, but it was much needed sleep.

I'm 21 in 5 days. This year has flown by so fast.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I play songs out loud for all to hear because I hope the lyrics will tell the stories that my mouth cannot.

Really.

I would really like a new camera.
I would really like to not be so stressed all of the time.
I would really like to see my boyfriend. Right now. He's back from Adrian tomorrow!
I would really like to call in sick to work tomorrow, but tomorrow is my only day this week. And I can't NOT have money. I don't see myself feeling any better tomorrow.
I would really like to have a great birthday. It's in 7 days. I'm excited to turn 21.
I would really like for it not to snow before my birthday, too.
I would really like to drive. I want to get my license.
I would really like a rice cake. It sounds good right now.
I would really like my sister to get this plate of turkey out of my bedroom. Animal bones freak me out - that's a big part of why I don't eat meat.
I would really like to know who threw up in my bathroom sink last night. My guess is Jason.
I would really like to get my GED soon and go to school.
I would really like to hang Christmas lights in my bedroom.
I would really like this headache to go away.
I would really like a glass of wine.

Thanksgiving.

I'm thankful for my true friends, my best friend and sister Kacey, my boyfriend and love John Bailey, my family, my dog Bagel T. Beagle, the mistakes I have made and learned from, the luck of the Irish, many amazing memories of Allen Iverson, my job, and the basketball games I will watch tonight while eating tofurkey and green bean casserole. And I'm thankful the pregnancy test was negative. I'm too young, poor, and irresponsible for that.

I'm sitting in my bedroom drinking Captain and coke and beer and listening to music. I cooked some stuff. I don't really want to eat.

I hate Thanksgiving. I miss my boy and my sister, who isn't here.

I'm not pregnant.

...

I really don't need another problem added to my life. I thought the MIP and probation and my body image and issues and my stupid fucked up head were enough.
This is much, much more.
I can't deal with this. I'm not prepared. I'm not. This isn't supposed to happen to me.
I say I can do it, but I can't.
I can't do this.
Please be negative.

PLEASE.

Dreading the next hour.

Back.

Okay, so that entry a few posts down? What I swept under the rug? I lifted that rug, and it's back.
I'm really trying not to worry about this, but a big part of me is extremely ...

No, no, no. Never mind. I'm vacuuming it up now. Fuck this.

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I need something to take my mind off of this.

Here we go again -- woe is me.

My eyes are aching for sleep, but sleep is most likely not in my near future. A big part of it due to stress, too much on my mind, and simply not being able to get comfortable in my bed. But most of all, I need to stay awake to take my drug/alcohol test that ends at noon. I keep fucking up with these. I'm not saying I drop dirty - It's even worse, actually: I don't drop when I should. I think I've missed the past 2 weeks. I'm full of nerves thinking about my next probation meeting, and what my probation officer will say about this.

Probation. That word puts a bad taste in my mouth, still. I'm still kicking myself in the ass for fucking up so badly. I never thought I would have to be put into this situation. It's not cool, it doesn't give you "street cred" or make you "hard" or tough. It makes you ... It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me nervous when I see a police car driving down a street. It makes me nervous to have a drink. It makes me nervous to be in the same room, or the same car as people who are smoking pot/have smoked pot prior.

I just can't wait until this is all over.

On a brighter note, I am also going down to the Secretary Of State office to get a photo taken for a new ID [21 in 10 days! Time is flying.]

And, tonight I will be spending time with my boyfriend before he goes to Adrian for Thanksgiving. I'm going to bake him something yummy :)

No.

I'm not worried, it's nothing, my body has always been screwed up, I'm not worried, I'm okay, this is normal for me, I'm not worried, I'm not worried.

I don't want to know.
Under the rug you go.

Jeez.

I may make myself out to be this hardass, fearless girl, but inside I'm utterly terrified. I'm a nervous wreck.
I don’t deal with this stuff very well. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
I just want to pay this fine and be over this.
 
Tonight: Watching the Pistons game, maybe sewing some stuff. I'm in serious need of something crafty. I might make a dress, or something.


I just downloaded and burned the new Animal Collective CD. It's real good :)

I Remember

I am so insanely addicted to this song. It's so powerful and beautiful.
Lisa Hannigan's voice is so alluring. The first verse tugs at my heart strings. I don't think there could be a better description of love at first sight.

And Damien Rice's verse is so intense. I know his side of the story is about sort of a failed romance, at least that's what I gather, but I'm just so in love with it. I suppose everyone interprets songs differently.



[Lisa Hannigan]
I remember it well:
The first time that I saw your head 'round the door, 'cause mine stopped working.
I remember it well, there was wet in your hair.
You were stood in the stair, and time stopped moving.

I want you here tonight, I want you here,
'Cause I can't believe what I've found.
I want you here tonight, want you here.
Nothing is taking me down.

I remember it well:
Taxied out of a storm to watch you perform,
And my ships were sailing.
I remember it well:
I was stood in your line,
And your mouth, your mouth, your mouth, your mind.

I want you here tonight, I want you here,
'Cause I can't believe what I've found.
I want you here tonight, want you here.
Nothing is taking me down.
'Cept you, my love.

[Damien Rice]
Come all ye lost, dive into moss.
I hope that my sanity covers the cost
To remove the stain of my love.
Paper mache.
come all ye reborn, blow off my horn.
I'm driving real hard, this is love, this is porn.
God would forgive me,
but I - I whip myself scorn, scorn

I wanna hear what you have to say about me.
Hear if you're gonna live without me.
Hear what you want.
I remember december

And I wanna hear what you have to say about me.
Hear if you're gonna live without me.
I wanna hear what you want.
What the hell do you want?

It's time.

Change starts ... NOW.
[Don't worry about it.]

Also, I was bored so I put together a timeline [photo style] of how I've changed [appearance-wise] since 2006. Check it out.

"There's a place in Hell reserved for women who don't support other women."

I think they feel a connection because they're almost as ignorant as she is. I got a great laugh out of this.

Speak

I give myself a headache thinking about everything on my mind, but when I try to speak, my overly rehearsed story won't articulate. My throat closes up, my entire body grows numb, I lose sight of everything but the little white dots chasing each other when I close my eyes so tight that I get dizzy. Maybe it's because I'm not ready. Maybe it's because I don't think they're ready. They probably wouldn't understand. They'd probably pretend to listen. My story is long, but I could give you the short version. It's all my body will allow.

Whatcha doin'? Hibernatin'?

Just 1 from my my boyfriend/my friend Theo's joint 21st party [theme: hunter or animals that are hunted.]


[click thumbnail for larger image]

I loved my handmade deer ears/antlers and quick makeup :)
I love dressing up. I wish I could have a 21st birthday party. I have no place to have it, though. I'd have a sweet theme, too.

Here's the cake I made him yesterday:


I still have blood in my dreads. Shower time!

Ouch, my head :(

The healing power of alcohol only works on scrapes and nicks,
And not on girls in seedy bars who drown themselves in it.

Last night was full of cheers, beers, tears, deers [!], and ... a hospital visit.
It seems like I always screw up special occasions. Anniversaries, parties. I need to chill out and know when to stop.

This time I can blame it on liquor. I drank liquor for the first time in a long time and got very drunk. Vodka, Crown Royal on top of Loko and beer = no good. I felt fine, but I wasn't really.

I walked backwards and fell down cement basement steps and knocked myself out.
I guess it's just another funny drunk story to add to the list, but I'm sure it worried a lot of people. I could have died. There was blood everywhere. I woke up in a hospital bed with a pillow stained in blood underneath my head.

I'm in all sorts of physical pain, but none of that is as strong as the emotional pain I put people through.

I'm trying to forget everything by baking. I don't know how that helps. I guess if I focus on measurements it takes my mind off of mistakes. I'm baking a cake for my boyfriend. He's 21 today!

I keep thinking.

When everything finally starts to be fine I'm pretty sure you'll probably find me sitting on my bedroom floor filling my lungs up with cigarette smoke and over-analyzing the situation in a "Dear Self," note. And I'll start to bite, bite, bite off my nails nervously like I've done for the past 20 years and put on some music so nobody hears when I yell at myself for being such a screw up and not using my brain. Sometimes I feel like my own mind is my worst enemy and gets pleasure out of seeing me fail and tells me that what I feel in my heart is all fairy tales. It tells me when everything finally starts to be fine I'm pretty sure I'll probably find some way to get back in the same mess. I should probably believe my mind over my heart, I guess.

Photobooth

Silly billies.

Probe

My probation meeting went well. We talked about dogs and strange people that come into grocery stores. Hah, she is really cool.
Oh yeah, and we talked about a class that I can take -- an Alcohol Awareness class that I only have to go to once for 4 hours, and then I don't have to do the drug tests anymore. Hooray! It's $50.

That's all for now. Oh yeah, I couldn't piss today because my meeting ran late. Yikes.

Down, down, down, down.

My life is going nowhere but down in so many aspects, I feel like.
I'm just so stressed out. I feel like I've ruined my life. I hate probation. I hate drug tests.
But it's so much more than that. I don't even want to think about it.

The only thing I'm happy with is my relationship with my boyfriend, the people I surround myself with, and the fun I have. It's sad, but true.
Life is supposed to be more than that.

Bassnectar

Bassnectar was CRAZY fun, acid is crazy, and people who give my sister/best friend DMT unknowingly and freak her out are the dumbest motherfuckers ever.
Everything was dynamite until that after-party.

It's my boyfriend and my 5 month anniversary today <3

:'(

I'm like an endless melody of wrong notes that won't stop when you try to turn me off so you get up and leave because you can't take the noise anymore.

You tell me what's wrong and I'll try my best to fix it.

November

Happy November! :)

That is all.

Past coupe of days ...

I'm nuts.


Sleepyhead.

Work.

Beer and texting = me, always.

Told you I was nuts.








Dolly man walking down my street.

*

That’s the nice thing about dreams, the way you wake up before you fall.

Don't do it.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

First probation meeting

Okay, so I had my first probation meeting today.

I waited forever in the waiting room, while sitting next to a girl who was CLEARLY on crack.
I got called, went in, and the first thing my p.o. did was compliment the purse I crocheted myself. Hah.

She made jokes about me being drunk and walking to get greasy drunk food and cigarettes and laughed about it.

She told me she didn't agree with the judges sentence of 6 months probation, so she told me whenever my fine is paid off, I'm done!

I have to do drug/alcohol tests once a week [not randomly like the judge ruled], and said not to freak if I dropped on the first test because she's "here to help, not to judge" and all that. She's really cool.

All in all, it went a lot better than I thought it would, and I'm going to try to get this hefty fine of $343 paid off ASAP, hopefully for my 21st on December 4th.

I can't do this.

Honestly, I'm full of nerves and mostly regret and self hate right now. Someone invent a time machine so I can go back in time and use my brain?!

"Sorry I like to have fun" will not come out of my mouth in this case, for once

I feel like crap physically and emotionally.

Fuck up.

I'm such a fuck up. Honestly, why am I such a fuck up?
I have my first probation meeting in 3 days. I don't know if they'll test me then, but they could. And what did I do last night? Smoked weed.

I wish I didn't do these things to myself. I need common sense.
Seriously, I'm extremely nervous/stressed/scared/terrified.

The first game of the Pistons preseason is on tonight. Maybe that will cheer me up :(

Colds, bats, 4 month anniversaries, gangstas.

I believe I am officially sick. I had a runny nose all day yesterday and an occasional out-of-nowhere cough all day at work. I woke up this morning coughing a lot, and a few hours ago my nose started to bleed suddenly. I haven't had a nose bleed in a good 5 years or so. And I have that nasty sick-voice. Nasaly.

I had a good night last night, though, when I got out of work. Drank with my friends and boyfriend, had a good warm sleep [blankets + snuggling = heaven]. BUT there is a bat in my house. I am deathly afraid of bats and very paranoid.

Today is my 4 month anniversary with John Bailey! But he has to work all day :(

I love him.

In regards to that picture, it was a 80's/90's gangsta theme party. I never posted the pictures from that, did I?

Sick.

They say they can tell I've become more comfortable with myself, but that's the furthest thing from the truth. I've just become extremely good at hiding it.

If one is not happy with themselves, they have the right to change it. Correct?
I've changed so much this year in terms of looks. I'm not happy.

On another note, I'm on my 5th cup of organic Yogi Cold Season tea so far since noon. I woke up with a sore throat, and I'm trying to kill this before it progresses into something worse. I'm trying so hard not to get sick.

Photos

I had a fun time last night just staying in [nasty weather! I like hoodie weather, but it was rainy and windy. Yuck.] and drinking with my BFF.


Kanye/Taylor Swift, anyone?





















I'm texting in the majority of these. I can't help it - I'm an addict!

Weight a minute.

I weighed myself for the first time since last year this morning, and was disgusted with myself. I really don't want to be, and I hate to say that. I shouldn't care.
But I've had body issues my whole life and have dealt with eating disorders and shit so many years. I hate that I hate my body. I'm so uncomfortable with myself, and it kills me.

A good majority is probably my alcohol intake. Another part is most likely the fact that I had gone back to eating meat. I'm sure it'll change now that I'm vegetarian again, but ...
I'm definitely going to start working out every day from now on, and am laying off junk food.

I knew I had gained weight, but not this much. I haven't seen that number on the scale so high since 2004.

I try to hide the fact that I absolutely hate my body, but it's true. I hate to be naked, even in front of my boyfriend. I can't even look at myself naked in the mirror.

Off to work for a 9 hour shift. Tonight shall be a fun night, though.

Verdict:

I went to my court hearing yesterday afternoon [and was 4 hours late for work because of it. Good thing I have an amazing boyfriend who also works with me - he covered it.] and plead guilty. I mean, I know walking down the street with an open container of alcohol is absolutely not right. I wasn't going to plead innocent!

1 girl who was 19 went up before me and had 2 prior MIPs and only got an $88 fine. 2 others who were drinking and driving  only got community service. My sentence was completely unfair.

This was my first offense and I'm going to be 21 years old in 3 months and am now on probation for 6 months, I have a $343 fine, I'm ordered to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, counseling, do community service, random drug/alcohol tests, and complete vocational/educational programs.

My 21st is going to be awesome! Not ...

This has been the worst week ever.
Also, I finished my dreads the other day. Pictures soon.

Five things that inspire me.

- My friends, boyfriend, and family. They're all very different and unique and their ideas and beliefs and ideals all have an impact on me and my thoughts and my life. My boyfriend is so talented and beautiful and smart and silly and caring and he makes me feel so good about myself for who I am, but also inspires me to be a better person.

- Music. All kinds of music. I can hear instruments and lyrics and get so many thoughts and images in my head.

- Clouds. They are all unique - some small, some big, some puffy, some streaky. Each one is different, just like people. I love to cloud watch and think about life. I could lie in a field and look up at the clouds all day and get lost in thought.

- Writing. Writing anything. Lists, notes, thoughts, even silly lyrics. I can write down one word and that one word will inspire me and soon I'll be on my 4th page. Also, other people's writing. If I could read every journal in the world ... I would love that. I love to know about what others have been through, are going through, and where they want to be and where they want to go.

- Walking. Walking alone, even for a short time, is very therapeutic and calming, especially if I'm having a bad day or am thinking too much or am down on myself. Walking and smoking cigarettes and people watching and fresh air and exercise.

"I can smell."

This weekend has been way too fun.

9/11 wearing headscarves downtown to Celebration On The Grand and getting dirty looks and dancing and then leaving and going to a party.

Last night was great, too. Even work was hilarious.
This lady who REEKED of litter box came though the checkout lane I was bagging at and as I was bagging her 189381893 cans of cat food, she said "I have a lot of cats." and instead of "I can tell", I accidentally said "I can smell."
I never say the right thing. But it was hilarious.

And thennnn, a cross dresser came in. His skirt was tucked into the waist of his stockings. It was amazing.

After work, I went to a party with my boyfriend, my sister, and my friend Jared. That was just ... a hilarious night. Listened to this dude drunken freestlye rap and laughed like crazy. I reached the perfect drunk level.

I wonder what's in store today. I'm supposed to go on an adventure with my boy later, and then who knows.

At it again

... Working on my dreads some more. It's been a long and boring day so far, and it's not even 2pm yet! But this will make time go by faster and keep me busy and occupied.
I'm on my 10th cup of coffee and have eaten 0 food. I feel both empty and full, but very uppidy.


[This dread is 2 years old!]


[A few dreads chillin'.]

Then & Now

Me at this time last year:




And me now:





A lot has changed, and not just my hair length.
I shall go into more detail later.

Few scenes from my life where moments mean more to me than our fine nights.

I had a great night last night. I'm glad I took it easy on the drinking - only had 1 Loko, a deuce, and a can of beer. My boyfriend was right - It's a lot more fun when I can actually walk ;)

I'm really going to try to chill out on the drinking. I mean, sure - I will still drink, but I'm not going to go overboard.

Drunk mouth ruined it again.

I got an MIP last night. It's ridiculous.
Also got into some arguments. Very emotional ones.

Honestly, I just like to have fun when I drink. I really don't mean to hurt anyone. And, no matter what anyone thinks or says, I'm definitely not an alcoholic. I drink to have fun, not because I need it.

I couldn't sleep last night because of this whole thing. I haven't cried this much in forever.
I'm terrified that everything is going to shit.

The most ridiculous thing is I only consumed 2 Lokos. I wasn't even that drunk.
I just happened to be not using my brain and decided it'd be a good idea to drink while I walked home.

I know what I am, and I'm not an alcoholic. I hate that that's what people label me as. Especially the boy I love.
Maybe he's right - I should chill out. I should stop when I feel it, and not keep going until I feel nothing at all.
I don't know. I just wish I could go back in time and rethink my decisions. I don't want to be a let down. I don't want to hurt anyone. Those are not my intentions.

I feel awful. I ruined our 3 month anniversary.

There are things you must accept as said and done. There are truths you must learn to confront. You can pray all night and day. You'll always wake the same person in the same place.

The Luckiest

I don't get many things right the first time.
In fact, I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls brought me here.

And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday, and I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.

What if I'd been born fifty years before you in a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike. Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes, I see one pair that I recognize.
And I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you.

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties, and one day passed away in his sleep.
And his wife - she stayed for a couple of days, and passed away.

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong.
That I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.

Dreading.

Now that everyone is back at college/starting college, I'm bored out of my mind. I wish I would have just graduated high school. I'm waiting until I'm 21 [December 4th!] to get my GED so it'll be cheaper.

Until then I need to find something to keep my occupied since I won't see my friends and boyfriend as much. Maybe if I keep nagging, work will give my more hours.

Oh yeah, I've started dreading my hair again. I've been doing 1 every few days because I don't feel like sitting all day doing my whole head at once. It kills my hands/arms.
I've got only 5 right now.

Summer's end, and reflections

Summer has flown by all too fast - or maybe it feels that way because this has been one of the best summers of my life. After summer '05, I never thought it could get any better. And then summer '06 turned out better, and summer '07 better than that, and summer '08 came extremely close to '07, if not better.

But this summer ... this summer has been simply amazing. I've learned more about friends and people I considered friends, and more importantly, I've learned more about myself.

I went back into vegetarianism, which is something I've been wanting to do since I was forced to eat meat by the doctors that time I ended up in the hospital. I had a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and seeing myself as anything but a heartless murderer. Sounds harsh, but it's how I felt.

I have learned this summer that I need to take better care of myself and in turn have gained probably 10 pounds, which I hate, but it's probably good. I still have days when I feel huge and ugly and want to bust out crying and not eat for days, but I tell myself that I have come so far and have the strength to get over my past problems. I don't think I'll ever be completely over it or "cured", but I'm confident I will get there.

I finally got the nerve to talk to a long time crush, and - even if it took liquid courage - I still did it, and I fell in love. I've always been scared to fall in love or even date a boy because I've been turned down so many times and even thought I was in love once and he didn't feel the same. Nobody ever felt the same until this summer. I've never been so open with anyone about myself until this summer. I've never felt so alive until this summer.

I'm not saying that since summer is ending so is my happiness, it's just that I now have so many memories tied to it and I'm having the best time that I don't want it to end. I'm sort of scared, however, that it will all go downhill like every summer's end before.

Fuck.

Last night ended up being a cluster-fuck of fun, anger and most of all, confusion.
It turned to shit just as it was getting good.

Today isn't much better.

Short update

I had plans with a few friends/boyfriend to go to Michigan's Adventure tomorrow but I'm broke. Like, zero dollars, until Friday.

I had an agreement with my mom to borrow the $25 for a ticket and pay her back Friday, but she just got a bunch of bills she needs to pay.

I suppose I can find something else fun [and free] to do tomorrow, but I was extremely excited. I think after my Cedar Point trip last week, I have a new addiction to roller coasters.

Other than that let-down, however, I feel very happy. And healthy for the first time in what seems like forever :)

Ending note:
Interesting article, if you're into it.

:)

Adrian was hilarious. Cedar Point was a blast.
Summer is going by way too fast.

Oh, the places we will go ...

Going to Adrian, MI tomorrow to meet my boyfriend's parents and bring the rukus.

And then it's off to Ohio for Cedar Point on Tuesday. I'm so excited/nervous.

This summer has been so good to me.

Dear lover,

Do you remember the sound of your laughter and demise, and that was all.
I need to fall in love.

This matter- it's something bigger. Anything ever graced my heart, and that was all.
I could fall in love ... with you. And I can't stall this now.
Did you find some happiness with me? Now I know the way true love should be.

Dear lover, do you remember the beats of my heart that I gave you? And that was all.
I need to fall in love.
It shattered, slipped through my fingers, floated down safely into your hands. And that was all.
I could fall in love ... with you. I can't stall this now.

Did you find some happiness with me?

Restless

I'm sitting here drinking a cup of coffee for, I think, the first time this summer. I used to be a fiend.
I'm still so tired. I must have hit snooze 20 times this morning.
Why is it that whenever I have to work a 9-hour shift I never get enough sleep?

Mostly I'm blaming it on the fact that I had nobody to cuddle with last night, and I'm so used to it lately.

I'll update more later. I have a lot on my mind and not enough time. Let's hope I can actually compose all these thoughts and get them out.

Work 12pm to 9pm - today and tomorrow.

Sorry.

I only hide what's on my mind because I can't explain.

Veg

I'm sick of people thinking the decisions I make, and the things I'm interested in are forced upon me by others.

I have my my own mind, and have always marched to the beat of my own drum, so to speak.
I'm turning to vegetarianism again, and some people think that the reason I am doing it again is because of someone else. Not at all.

The only reason I started eating meat again was because I needed my nutrients back because I was pretty close to dying.
It kills me every time I eat meat. Not physically, but mentally. I'm done. I don't give 2 shits if you call me a "faggot" or anything else for choosing not to eat meat, either. People need to grow up, get real, and accept my decisions.

It's OK.

"It's OK to lie. It's OK to steal. It's OK to have premarital sex. It's OK to cheat or to kill if these things are part of your value system, and you clarified these values for yourself. The important thing is not what values you choose, but that you have chosen them for yourself and without coercion of parents, spouse, priest, friends, ministers or social pressure of any kind."

So much on my mind.

I've realized that all I do is wish and dream and want for good things to happen, but I don't actually put an effort into making things better.
I've tried and failed many times, so I guess somewhere along the way I just completely gave up.
Life is all about trial and error, but I've realized that I can't just give up.
If I give up, then I'll be miserable forever, and that's the last thing I want. That's the last thing I need.

I've spent my life caring so much about others that I completely forgot about myself. I can't even take care of myself, and that is [beyond] not okay.
I am the happiest I've been in a long time this summer, but I am also really very miserable with lots of things right now. I've spent a great deal of this year trying to turn my life around, better myself, and "find myself."
I'm still working on it.

I can't exactly figure it out, but there is an empty space that needs to be filled. Part of me feels like the luckiest girl in the world because I got what I've wanted for so long.
But then part of me feels completely ... incomplete. What is missing?

I keep telling myself that there is still time. Maybe it's possible that I have changed, even just a little, and the changes I have been going through aren't completely finished.
I often find myself contemplating giving up. But I'm trying to enjoy life and everything it is giving me and just letting whatever comes my way - come my way.

I'm not expecting myself to be completely healed and happy and just all-around different overnight.
I think I can wait for that. I've waited this long, and I'm certain it will all be worth the wait.

Some things are completely and utterly amazing right now.
As for everything else, I have all the hope in the word that it will happen one day.

In pictures: adventures and 2 month anniversaries

 I am absolutely happy and this summer has been so, so, so good to me - so far.

From the 4th - spent the day with my boy.





[Haha he is so cute]


[I hate when my bangs do that ...]

We were cheesey and celebrated our 2 month anniversary. We had a plan to drink Captain Morgan and Baileys [Morgan is my last name and Bailey is his], but we were broke to we drank Fosters [we have this thing with Australia] and Canadian LTD whiskey and he cooked spaghetti for me and we watched Leprechaun In The Hood [amazing].


Yesterday was an epic adventure day with my sister/BFF


[^ Kacey]


[^ Me]


[Some graffiti]






[Kacey's old apartment building.]


[Me flipping off the office]


[We decided to take pictures outside of her apartment. Nobody lives there!]


[The lobby.]




[Playing around outside of my work.]

We went downtown and to her old apartment building and then to my job and played in kiddy carts.