Resolutions

I promised I would never do this again, because I never accomplish any of my goals.
But I've once again fallen into the trend of New Years Resolutions.

This year, I pretty much have all I need:
A best friend, who is also my sister. She's always been there for me, and always will be. Even if sometimes we disagree on things and argue and have a lot of different opinions and ideals and interests and tastes, she's the closest person to me, in more ways than one. I know her and she knows me more than anyone else. We share crazy senses of humor and get each other, when nobody else does. I know that I can be silly and also very serious with her. It's a pretty amazing to thing to have a sister and a best friend in the same package.

A boyfriend. My first real boyfriend. [Paul Rathbun for a week in the 5th grade doesn't count ;)] I never thought I'd fall in in love so fast, or fall in love period. Before him, I believe all of my crushes have been unrequited, and that's why I never went looking for a boyfriend. I denied my feelings for him so much at first, when he first started working with me at Family Fare. But it was always there. I remember getting butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw him. I remember looking at him constantly and then looking away, because I didn't want him to think I was a creep or something. I never knew he liked me until about a month or two before I hung out with him. I remember our first kiss, even though I got wasted before he came over because I needed some sort of liquid courage to talk to him. I remember the first time we slept together, and how I wasn't nervous when sex always scared me for some reason. Maybe it was because I had always waited for a right guy. I remember telling myself before we even talked that I just wanted to get it over with, with anyone, just to do it because I was still a virgin at 20 years old and I felt less-than all of my friends, or something. Anyway, I'm glad I waited for him, because he was, and is the right guy for me. I feel so beautiful around him, when I've never felt beautiful in my life. He makes me feel so safe and comfortable, and I can be myself around him. We are becoming best friends.

My other good friends, the ones that have stuck around through everything when the others ducked out. I love them. We have so much fun together, and make my life more fun. You know who you are.

Myself. I am slowly but surely "finding" myself, every single day. I'm realizing my true self. I know what I love and don't let anyone tell me that these things are stupid. I have my own ideals and opinions and don't let others bash them. I have my own style, even if it's not so stylish, but it's me. I got my dreadlocks back that I really regretted combing out every time I've done it. I'm sure I'll do it again some day, because sometimes I need a change or get bored, but for now I really love them, even if others thing they're nasty or ugly. I became a vegetarian again, something I had to do for myself. It kills me to think of animals dying for our taste buds. There's so much more to that that I won't get into. I am still, and probably always will be unhappy with my body. I've always had the worst body image issues. I'm still working on that. I still am unsure about my future, career wise, because there are so many things I would love to do. I still need to get my GED and have the money to pay for that, as well as my fines for probation and my many, many medical bills. I've made a lot of mistakes this year and had quite a few heartaches, but I believe all of the good things that happened this year outweigh the bad. I'll figure everything out.

Anyway, next year, the things I want to accomplish:

I would like to lose maybe 10 pounds. I feel so uncomfortable at this weight. It's the most I've weighed since probably 2004. I just want to be comfortable with myself.

I want to get my probation fine paid off and take this alcohol awareness class so I can get off probation. This is the biggest screw up I believe I've ever made, and I need to fix it and start being more responsible. I don't want to end up in jail. I've already violated probation a few too many times. It's not cool.

I would like to get more hours at my current job, or find another job. I wouldn't want to leave Family Fare because I have been there so long and love a lot of the people I work with. It's like a comfort zone, a second home. But I can't survive on 9 hours a week, especially if I want to do the above.

I want to get a tattoo. I've always wanted one. Both of the tattoos I want mean a lot to me, unlike a lost of things people get. I don't know. I'm hoping to do that with my tax return money.

I want to move out. I know that's far fetched, especially in my financial situation, but it'd be nice. I'm 21 and still living at home, and, even though I have awesome parents who don't care if my friends come over and wreak havoc, it'd just be nice to experience moving out, being independent.

I want to cut down, and eventually stop smoking. I've been smoking cigarettes regularly since I was 16, It's a waste of money, even though I love smoking [dumb, huh?], and I don't need the unhealthy aspect. I'm already unhealthy enough as it is.

I need to start writing more, taking more pictures [I also need a new camera], and using my creativity more.

I think that's it, although I'm sure there's more. The list never ends.

Blah.

No Mustard Plug tonight. I guess my brother's friends in the band Squints, who are also playing, had tickets for cheaper but ran out. I suppose it's not a big loss, seeing as I've seen MP over 20 times. Maybe even 30. But really, I needed a little ska in my life. It always cheers me up. Oh well.
I'm actually listening to Mustard Plug right now. I guess it makes up for it.

Chess and beer with my boyfriend tonight <3

Safe

I'm another world away, my old self locked in a cage where I have to stand and stay, just a moment any day.
Just what I left behind still lives, I can hear it when I'm still.
Weak connection, lines will cross, different lives, we co-exist.

If I could only take the time, fade away and crawl inside. I know you worry that I'm far away - At least you know that I'm still safe. I'm safe.

Now again I hear your voice, loudest when we haven't spoke.
Ringing in my ears - drowns the empty roaring of the crowd.
I'm alone most of the time, repenting every single crime.
Absolution in a glass, but I wake up where I have slept.

If I could only take the time, fade away and crawl inside. I know you worry that I'm far away - At least you know that I'm still safe. I'm safe.



Mustard Plug show Monday! I hope I can find $10. I haven't seen them in far too long, and I need a little ska in my life ;)

:)

My baby is back! I love John Bailey <3

IDK, real post later.

First sentence from first entry of every month you've had your journal/blog:

march - I have the biggest crush on this boy at work.
april - Pistons got swept by the Cavs last night.
may - Work is shafting me, or something.
june - [no entries for june]
july - I'm having a fantastic summer.
august -  I am absolutely happy.
september - Summer has flown by all too fast - or maybe it feels that way because this has been one of the best summers of my life.
october - I believe I am officially sick.
november - Happy November! :)
december - 7 in the morning and I have yet to sleep.



Hanging out Kacey tonight, working at noon-6pm tomorrow.

I swear, whenever I'm alone, everything gets bad.

I feel like screaming half the time.
I hate that I'm stressed constantly. I hate that the reasons for my stress are all my fault.

That sense of peace I felt this summer is gone. The feeling of hopefulness and excitement I felt just a few months ago is gone now, and I know it won't be back until I get my shit together.

I don't know how to solve things. I've never been good at fixing things in my own life. I spend all of my time trying to make others happy and forget about myself. Lately I've been trying to cover messes up so I don't have to see them, think about them.
Whenever I think about everything, everything I'm messing up and everything I'm risking, I get dizzy.

I just keep thinking, What the hell am I going to do? How do I do this? Why did I, and still put myself in these situations? Everything was so, so, so amazingly amazing for once, and now it's totally gone.
I am kidding myself trying to stay positive when everything is no negative.
Few things in my life are keeping me sane right now. My amazing boyfriend, friends, and family. And without them I think I might break down.

I used to be excited about the future. And now, I'm flat out terrified of it.

I don't know why I try so hard sometimes to appease others. I mean, yes, I want to make others happy, and avoid fights and disappointment, but in the end, I just end up unhappy, fighting with myself, and disappointing myself. I have remained unchanged, on the inside, for as long as I can remember. I never felt the need to change for anybody. Nobody. But now, it's different.
And I hate it, but at the same time, I understand it.

I will always stay true to myself, even if I have to tweak a few things.
This is me now. This is me forever.
I think I'm a pretty okay girl.

Same ol' stuff.

Nobody probably sees it. The ones who know of it, and really know me probably do.
It doesn't matter. I only see what I want to see, and do what I want to do. It gives me pleasure, yet causes me so much pain.

So, I throw a fit. I throw a tantrum, in my head, for a long time. I do it when nobody is around. And sometimes I fake it. "What's wrong?" I lie. I fake it, and take it out on everyone else, and blame it on other things.

And I'm really angry that you're confused, and you don't understand. But at the same time I'm so happy that you don't.

Sorry. It's edited.

Bi-polar thoughts.

Tuesday night was the most fun I’ve had in a while.
Laughing until I cry is never a bad thing.
Acid will do that to you.

I feel like I'm hogging my boyfriend, a little. We spend pretty much every day together. I wonder if he's sick of me.
I never thought I could become so clingy. And soft! I used to be so hard.
I never thought I'd fall so fast for someone.

Tomorrow is bowling night! And we're sledding after :)


I can't wait until Friday - payday. I need money.
I need to get my shit together soon.
GED, paying off fines, growing the fuck up.

All over the place.

As much as I love how beautiful snow is, I sure don't like being in it.
It's absolutely gorgeous; the icicles, the snow covered trees, the sparkles. But I'm naturally cold even in the summertime, so it's hard. I guess I have to deal with it and make the best of it. I really want to make a snowman!

We're supposed to go bowling tonight, but I don't know if that's going to happen. $1 shoes, $1 games, $1 beers!

I'm going to make falafel soon, when I have the ingredients. I found a nice recipe.

Oh, and I got my new ID today. I look kinda pissed, not that you can tell from the shitty camera picture. [I can't find the cord to my scanner!] They also put the wrong weight, just copied it from my old ID. I am not 95 pounds anymore ...

I shouldn't have worn my fluffy hooded coat. Oh well, I resemble a lion.

I will be doing lame stuff in Sony Vegas until I find something else to do.
Peace.

Blah, blah, blah.

I have no self control anymore.

Probation meeting went well, as per usual. We didn't talk about probation, as per usual. She gave me all my urine test results I have done since I was first put on probation. I have dropped clean every time.

I told her I couldn't take that class on Friday because I can't have the $55 for it, by then. Once I can take this class, I will be a happy girl. No ore dropping.

I'm having money issues.

I hate that my job cut my hours so badly this year. This whole year.

I think my boyfriend really wants me to quit smoking. I do to.
But it's not easy. Especially when you're as stressed as I am every single day.

I'm going to listen to music and wallow.

But first, my boyfriend did this. It's me. It was a project having to do with fears. He did 'fear of drowning.' I love it. He is so amazingly talented.

Check out his other stuff here: http://johnbaileyart.blogspot.com/

Hm? Not really.

Twenty one.

My 21st was great! It sucks that my sister/best friend is sick and can't drink and couldn't go out to the bars with us last night, though.

I had a good night, and remember it all :)

It was also my boyfriend and my 6 month <3 I love him so much, and every day is like the first day. It still feels new and exciting and he still gives me "butterflies" :)

Going out again tonight, I think.

So far, 21 rules.

Best birthday present ever.

Allen Iverson signs with 76ers again
I am ecstatic. HEAVEN MUST FEEL LIKE THIS.

Dedicated December

 For the month of December, commit to do at least 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, and run a mile every day.

I'm tweaking it a bit - I'm going to do 100 girl push-ups due to my lack of upper arm strength, and probably walk most of my mile because I'm a smoker :x

I hope I can stick to this. I need to get in shape :)

I already did my 100 sit-ups and push-ups. I have yet to walk/run. Maybe a nice night-time walk later.

Sleep don't come easy.

7 in the morning and I have yet to sleep. I swear I have some weird separation insomnia, or something. It's weird.

I've been up listening to the entire Animal Collective discography, talking to people on Facebook, contemplating eating, smoking cigarette after cigarette, and writing. My eyes are heavy, but I feel like if I lie down I'll just stare at the ceiling. Sleeping alone is uncomfortable now. I've got an addiction to cuddling, I believe.

I must get my ID picture taken today. I'm so stupid - I've been meaning to do that all month.

3 days till 21! So far, my plans are going out with John Bailey at midnight on the 3rd, in the morning or afternoon we're doing something for our 6 months together, which is also on my birthday. My mom is taking me out for pizza and beer. And then I'm going bar hopping with good friends. And my friend Jason just told be about a kegger, so I might go to that after the bars.

I'm pretty excited, and I promised myself I won't get too fucked up. I'd like to remember this one.

We'll see how this day goes. I just wish I could sleep for a bit.