Sick.

They say they can tell I've become more comfortable with myself, but that's the furthest thing from the truth. I've just become extremely good at hiding it.

If one is not happy with themselves, they have the right to change it. Correct?
I've changed so much this year in terms of looks. I'm not happy.

On another note, I'm on my 5th cup of organic Yogi Cold Season tea so far since noon. I woke up with a sore throat, and I'm trying to kill this before it progresses into something worse. I'm trying so hard not to get sick.

Photos

I had a fun time last night just staying in [nasty weather! I like hoodie weather, but it was rainy and windy. Yuck.] and drinking with my BFF.


Kanye/Taylor Swift, anyone?





















I'm texting in the majority of these. I can't help it - I'm an addict!

Weight a minute.

I weighed myself for the first time since last year this morning, and was disgusted with myself. I really don't want to be, and I hate to say that. I shouldn't care.
But I've had body issues my whole life and have dealt with eating disorders and shit so many years. I hate that I hate my body. I'm so uncomfortable with myself, and it kills me.

A good majority is probably my alcohol intake. Another part is most likely the fact that I had gone back to eating meat. I'm sure it'll change now that I'm vegetarian again, but ...
I'm definitely going to start working out every day from now on, and am laying off junk food.

I knew I had gained weight, but not this much. I haven't seen that number on the scale so high since 2004.

I try to hide the fact that I absolutely hate my body, but it's true. I hate to be naked, even in front of my boyfriend. I can't even look at myself naked in the mirror.

Off to work for a 9 hour shift. Tonight shall be a fun night, though.

Verdict:

I went to my court hearing yesterday afternoon [and was 4 hours late for work because of it. Good thing I have an amazing boyfriend who also works with me - he covered it.] and plead guilty. I mean, I know walking down the street with an open container of alcohol is absolutely not right. I wasn't going to plead innocent!

1 girl who was 19 went up before me and had 2 prior MIPs and only got an $88 fine. 2 others who were drinking and driving  only got community service. My sentence was completely unfair.

This was my first offense and I'm going to be 21 years old in 3 months and am now on probation for 6 months, I have a $343 fine, I'm ordered to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, counseling, do community service, random drug/alcohol tests, and complete vocational/educational programs.

My 21st is going to be awesome! Not ...

This has been the worst week ever.
Also, I finished my dreads the other day. Pictures soon.

Five things that inspire me.

- My friends, boyfriend, and family. They're all very different and unique and their ideas and beliefs and ideals all have an impact on me and my thoughts and my life. My boyfriend is so talented and beautiful and smart and silly and caring and he makes me feel so good about myself for who I am, but also inspires me to be a better person.

- Music. All kinds of music. I can hear instruments and lyrics and get so many thoughts and images in my head.

- Clouds. They are all unique - some small, some big, some puffy, some streaky. Each one is different, just like people. I love to cloud watch and think about life. I could lie in a field and look up at the clouds all day and get lost in thought.

- Writing. Writing anything. Lists, notes, thoughts, even silly lyrics. I can write down one word and that one word will inspire me and soon I'll be on my 4th page. Also, other people's writing. If I could read every journal in the world ... I would love that. I love to know about what others have been through, are going through, and where they want to be and where they want to go.

- Walking. Walking alone, even for a short time, is very therapeutic and calming, especially if I'm having a bad day or am thinking too much or am down on myself. Walking and smoking cigarettes and people watching and fresh air and exercise.

"I can smell."

This weekend has been way too fun.

9/11 wearing headscarves downtown to Celebration On The Grand and getting dirty looks and dancing and then leaving and going to a party.

Last night was great, too. Even work was hilarious.
This lady who REEKED of litter box came though the checkout lane I was bagging at and as I was bagging her 189381893 cans of cat food, she said "I have a lot of cats." and instead of "I can tell", I accidentally said "I can smell."
I never say the right thing. But it was hilarious.

And thennnn, a cross dresser came in. His skirt was tucked into the waist of his stockings. It was amazing.

After work, I went to a party with my boyfriend, my sister, and my friend Jared. That was just ... a hilarious night. Listened to this dude drunken freestlye rap and laughed like crazy. I reached the perfect drunk level.

I wonder what's in store today. I'm supposed to go on an adventure with my boy later, and then who knows.

At it again

... Working on my dreads some more. It's been a long and boring day so far, and it's not even 2pm yet! But this will make time go by faster and keep me busy and occupied.
I'm on my 10th cup of coffee and have eaten 0 food. I feel both empty and full, but very uppidy.


[This dread is 2 years old!]


[A few dreads chillin'.]

Then & Now

Me at this time last year:




And me now:





A lot has changed, and not just my hair length.
I shall go into more detail later.

Few scenes from my life where moments mean more to me than our fine nights.

I had a great night last night. I'm glad I took it easy on the drinking - only had 1 Loko, a deuce, and a can of beer. My boyfriend was right - It's a lot more fun when I can actually walk ;)

I'm really going to try to chill out on the drinking. I mean, sure - I will still drink, but I'm not going to go overboard.

Drunk mouth ruined it again.

I got an MIP last night. It's ridiculous.
Also got into some arguments. Very emotional ones.

Honestly, I just like to have fun when I drink. I really don't mean to hurt anyone. And, no matter what anyone thinks or says, I'm definitely not an alcoholic. I drink to have fun, not because I need it.

I couldn't sleep last night because of this whole thing. I haven't cried this much in forever.
I'm terrified that everything is going to shit.

The most ridiculous thing is I only consumed 2 Lokos. I wasn't even that drunk.
I just happened to be not using my brain and decided it'd be a good idea to drink while I walked home.

I know what I am, and I'm not an alcoholic. I hate that that's what people label me as. Especially the boy I love.
Maybe he's right - I should chill out. I should stop when I feel it, and not keep going until I feel nothing at all.
I don't know. I just wish I could go back in time and rethink my decisions. I don't want to be a let down. I don't want to hurt anyone. Those are not my intentions.

I feel awful. I ruined our 3 month anniversary.

There are things you must accept as said and done. There are truths you must learn to confront. You can pray all night and day. You'll always wake the same person in the same place.

The Luckiest

I don't get many things right the first time.
In fact, I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls brought me here.

And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday, and I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.

What if I'd been born fifty years before you in a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike. Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes, I see one pair that I recognize.
And I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you.

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties, and one day passed away in his sleep.
And his wife - she stayed for a couple of days, and passed away.

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong.
That I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.

Dreading.

Now that everyone is back at college/starting college, I'm bored out of my mind. I wish I would have just graduated high school. I'm waiting until I'm 21 [December 4th!] to get my GED so it'll be cheaper.

Until then I need to find something to keep my occupied since I won't see my friends and boyfriend as much. Maybe if I keep nagging, work will give my more hours.

Oh yeah, I've started dreading my hair again. I've been doing 1 every few days because I don't feel like sitting all day doing my whole head at once. It kills my hands/arms.
I've got only 5 right now.

Summer's end, and reflections

Summer has flown by all too fast - or maybe it feels that way because this has been one of the best summers of my life. After summer '05, I never thought it could get any better. And then summer '06 turned out better, and summer '07 better than that, and summer '08 came extremely close to '07, if not better.

But this summer ... this summer has been simply amazing. I've learned more about friends and people I considered friends, and more importantly, I've learned more about myself.

I went back into vegetarianism, which is something I've been wanting to do since I was forced to eat meat by the doctors that time I ended up in the hospital. I had a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and seeing myself as anything but a heartless murderer. Sounds harsh, but it's how I felt.

I have learned this summer that I need to take better care of myself and in turn have gained probably 10 pounds, which I hate, but it's probably good. I still have days when I feel huge and ugly and want to bust out crying and not eat for days, but I tell myself that I have come so far and have the strength to get over my past problems. I don't think I'll ever be completely over it or "cured", but I'm confident I will get there.

I finally got the nerve to talk to a long time crush, and - even if it took liquid courage - I still did it, and I fell in love. I've always been scared to fall in love or even date a boy because I've been turned down so many times and even thought I was in love once and he didn't feel the same. Nobody ever felt the same until this summer. I've never been so open with anyone about myself until this summer. I've never felt so alive until this summer.

I'm not saying that since summer is ending so is my happiness, it's just that I now have so many memories tied to it and I'm having the best time that I don't want it to end. I'm sort of scared, however, that it will all go downhill like every summer's end before.