4 days and thinking.

I can't turn my mind off. I'm almost 21 [4 days!], and that's like ... big. I've just been thinking about this year a lot, and how fast it has gone by, and just ...

My life has gone through some pretty drastic changes this year. I gained about 20 pounds [which I'm trying very hard to lose], I lost my virginity [I only waited so long because I wanted it to be the right person. And it was!], I fell in love fast [which I never thought would happen], I went to my boyfriends hometown and to Cedar Point with him, which was really special because he liked me enough then to bring me to where he grew up, and introduce me to his family.

I did two drugs I never thought I would do - shrooms and acid. Taking shrooms the first time made me think a lot and see things I've never seen before. I learned a bit about myself, in some ways. Some things I still think about, like the thoughts in my head, and the visuals I had on them. The second time I took them and acid at the same time, as well as drank. I didn't feel funny, I didn't think too much, I didn't see anything or have any sort of epiphanies, so to speak, like the first time. I just had fun. That added with seeing Bassnectar after taking them was definitely A+.

I got an MIP and have been on probation since September, and have to take weekly drug/alcohol tests [which I also never thought would happen. I've always been extremely lucky in the drinking department.] I could have died falling down cement stairs and hitting my head on the 14th of this month, and I am extremely lucky and thankful that there was no major problems, just a bump and some bruises. But it definitely effected my life, just like everything that happened this year.

A lot more has happened - like the pregnancy scare. But a lot of stuff I want to keep private.

To be perfectly honest, most days I don't feel like my old self. I don't know whats happened to me, and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I think it's just still all the memories - good and bad - and the experiences, and the people I've met, and all the changes I've gone through. It's like a big mixture of good and bad, ups and downs, and that's what life is, right?

Who knows - maybe more terrible things will happen before the new year. And maybe more amazing things will happen.
Whatever happens, I'm ready. I almost have to be by now.

I don't know what it is, and I can't exactly recall when it started, but lately I've been feeling incredibly stressed, nervous, and emotional. I surround myself with people who can make me laugh and keep me distracted enough to forget, if only for a short time, everything on my mind and everything I'm dealing with. Or I'll play music that reminds me of good things - people, old memories, stuff llke that.

Anyway,
I haven't felt good in a month or so. Maybe more. And the past week, I haven't slept well, or slept at all.
My body doesn't feel right. I don't feel right with my body.
I'm sort of scared I'll go back to my old behaviors, but I keep telling myself "maybe that won't be so bad."
Sickening, sort of.

What can I do to get out of my head and back into life?

I had a great time yesterday. My boyfriend came back from Adrian and when I saw his face it was sort of like a head rush. He was only gone for 3 days, but when you're so used to seeing someone all the time and they're gone, it just feels weird. And it feels amazing to see them again.

After work, we went to a party at my friend Silas' house. It seemed like everyone was on acid - maybe because the majority of them are. I remembered why I stopped hanging out with a lot of people who do drugs. I'm not a big fan of drugs, or people who do them all the time. I know I do things people think are boring or annoying or harmful, but drugs just kind of piss me off. I like taking drugs every once in a while, but when you do them every single day, that's not fun. I loved my experience with acid. I loved my experiences with shrooms. But it's like all of those drugs are a part of their daily routine, or something. I don't know.
Anyway, it was a fun night.
And then I got to snuggle with my boyfriend after. We slept real late, but it was much needed sleep.

I'm 21 in 5 days. This year has flown by so fast.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I play songs out loud for all to hear because I hope the lyrics will tell the stories that my mouth cannot.

Really.

I would really like a new camera.
I would really like to not be so stressed all of the time.
I would really like to see my boyfriend. Right now. He's back from Adrian tomorrow!
I would really like to call in sick to work tomorrow, but tomorrow is my only day this week. And I can't NOT have money. I don't see myself feeling any better tomorrow.
I would really like to have a great birthday. It's in 7 days. I'm excited to turn 21.
I would really like for it not to snow before my birthday, too.
I would really like to drive. I want to get my license.
I would really like a rice cake. It sounds good right now.
I would really like my sister to get this plate of turkey out of my bedroom. Animal bones freak me out - that's a big part of why I don't eat meat.
I would really like to know who threw up in my bathroom sink last night. My guess is Jason.
I would really like to get my GED soon and go to school.
I would really like to hang Christmas lights in my bedroom.
I would really like this headache to go away.
I would really like a glass of wine.

Thanksgiving.

I'm thankful for my true friends, my best friend and sister Kacey, my boyfriend and love John Bailey, my family, my dog Bagel T. Beagle, the mistakes I have made and learned from, the luck of the Irish, many amazing memories of Allen Iverson, my job, and the basketball games I will watch tonight while eating tofurkey and green bean casserole. And I'm thankful the pregnancy test was negative. I'm too young, poor, and irresponsible for that.

I'm sitting in my bedroom drinking Captain and coke and beer and listening to music. I cooked some stuff. I don't really want to eat.

I hate Thanksgiving. I miss my boy and my sister, who isn't here.

I'm not pregnant.

...

I really don't need another problem added to my life. I thought the MIP and probation and my body image and issues and my stupid fucked up head were enough.
This is much, much more.
I can't deal with this. I'm not prepared. I'm not. This isn't supposed to happen to me.
I say I can do it, but I can't.
I can't do this.
Please be negative.

PLEASE.

Dreading the next hour.

Back.

Okay, so that entry a few posts down? What I swept under the rug? I lifted that rug, and it's back.
I'm really trying not to worry about this, but a big part of me is extremely ...

No, no, no. Never mind. I'm vacuuming it up now. Fuck this.

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I need something to take my mind off of this.

Here we go again -- woe is me.

My eyes are aching for sleep, but sleep is most likely not in my near future. A big part of it due to stress, too much on my mind, and simply not being able to get comfortable in my bed. But most of all, I need to stay awake to take my drug/alcohol test that ends at noon. I keep fucking up with these. I'm not saying I drop dirty - It's even worse, actually: I don't drop when I should. I think I've missed the past 2 weeks. I'm full of nerves thinking about my next probation meeting, and what my probation officer will say about this.

Probation. That word puts a bad taste in my mouth, still. I'm still kicking myself in the ass for fucking up so badly. I never thought I would have to be put into this situation. It's not cool, it doesn't give you "street cred" or make you "hard" or tough. It makes you ... It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me nervous when I see a police car driving down a street. It makes me nervous to have a drink. It makes me nervous to be in the same room, or the same car as people who are smoking pot/have smoked pot prior.

I just can't wait until this is all over.

On a brighter note, I am also going down to the Secretary Of State office to get a photo taken for a new ID [21 in 10 days! Time is flying.]

And, tonight I will be spending time with my boyfriend before he goes to Adrian for Thanksgiving. I'm going to bake him something yummy :)

No.

I'm not worried, it's nothing, my body has always been screwed up, I'm not worried, I'm okay, this is normal for me, I'm not worried, I'm not worried.

I don't want to know.
Under the rug you go.

Jeez.

I may make myself out to be this hardass, fearless girl, but inside I'm utterly terrified. I'm a nervous wreck.
I don’t deal with this stuff very well. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
I just want to pay this fine and be over this.
 
Tonight: Watching the Pistons game, maybe sewing some stuff. I'm in serious need of something crafty. I might make a dress, or something.


I just downloaded and burned the new Animal Collective CD. It's real good :)

I Remember

I am so insanely addicted to this song. It's so powerful and beautiful.
Lisa Hannigan's voice is so alluring. The first verse tugs at my heart strings. I don't think there could be a better description of love at first sight.

And Damien Rice's verse is so intense. I know his side of the story is about sort of a failed romance, at least that's what I gather, but I'm just so in love with it. I suppose everyone interprets songs differently.



[Lisa Hannigan]
I remember it well:
The first time that I saw your head 'round the door, 'cause mine stopped working.
I remember it well, there was wet in your hair.
You were stood in the stair, and time stopped moving.

I want you here tonight, I want you here,
'Cause I can't believe what I've found.
I want you here tonight, want you here.
Nothing is taking me down.

I remember it well:
Taxied out of a storm to watch you perform,
And my ships were sailing.
I remember it well:
I was stood in your line,
And your mouth, your mouth, your mouth, your mind.

I want you here tonight, I want you here,
'Cause I can't believe what I've found.
I want you here tonight, want you here.
Nothing is taking me down.
'Cept you, my love.

[Damien Rice]
Come all ye lost, dive into moss.
I hope that my sanity covers the cost
To remove the stain of my love.
Paper mache.
come all ye reborn, blow off my horn.
I'm driving real hard, this is love, this is porn.
God would forgive me,
but I - I whip myself scorn, scorn

I wanna hear what you have to say about me.
Hear if you're gonna live without me.
Hear what you want.
I remember december

And I wanna hear what you have to say about me.
Hear if you're gonna live without me.
I wanna hear what you want.
What the hell do you want?

It's time.

Change starts ... NOW.
[Don't worry about it.]

Also, I was bored so I put together a timeline [photo style] of how I've changed [appearance-wise] since 2006. Check it out.

"There's a place in Hell reserved for women who don't support other women."

I think they feel a connection because they're almost as ignorant as she is. I got a great laugh out of this.

Speak

I give myself a headache thinking about everything on my mind, but when I try to speak, my overly rehearsed story won't articulate. My throat closes up, my entire body grows numb, I lose sight of everything but the little white dots chasing each other when I close my eyes so tight that I get dizzy. Maybe it's because I'm not ready. Maybe it's because I don't think they're ready. They probably wouldn't understand. They'd probably pretend to listen. My story is long, but I could give you the short version. It's all my body will allow.

Whatcha doin'? Hibernatin'?

Just 1 from my my boyfriend/my friend Theo's joint 21st party [theme: hunter or animals that are hunted.]


[click thumbnail for larger image]

I loved my handmade deer ears/antlers and quick makeup :)
I love dressing up. I wish I could have a 21st birthday party. I have no place to have it, though. I'd have a sweet theme, too.

Here's the cake I made him yesterday:


I still have blood in my dreads. Shower time!

Ouch, my head :(

The healing power of alcohol only works on scrapes and nicks,
And not on girls in seedy bars who drown themselves in it.

Last night was full of cheers, beers, tears, deers [!], and ... a hospital visit.
It seems like I always screw up special occasions. Anniversaries, parties. I need to chill out and know when to stop.

This time I can blame it on liquor. I drank liquor for the first time in a long time and got very drunk. Vodka, Crown Royal on top of Loko and beer = no good. I felt fine, but I wasn't really.

I walked backwards and fell down cement basement steps and knocked myself out.
I guess it's just another funny drunk story to add to the list, but I'm sure it worried a lot of people. I could have died. There was blood everywhere. I woke up in a hospital bed with a pillow stained in blood underneath my head.

I'm in all sorts of physical pain, but none of that is as strong as the emotional pain I put people through.

I'm trying to forget everything by baking. I don't know how that helps. I guess if I focus on measurements it takes my mind off of mistakes. I'm baking a cake for my boyfriend. He's 21 today!

I keep thinking.

When everything finally starts to be fine I'm pretty sure you'll probably find me sitting on my bedroom floor filling my lungs up with cigarette smoke and over-analyzing the situation in a "Dear Self," note. And I'll start to bite, bite, bite off my nails nervously like I've done for the past 20 years and put on some music so nobody hears when I yell at myself for being such a screw up and not using my brain. Sometimes I feel like my own mind is my worst enemy and gets pleasure out of seeing me fail and tells me that what I feel in my heart is all fairy tales. It tells me when everything finally starts to be fine I'm pretty sure I'll probably find some way to get back in the same mess. I should probably believe my mind over my heart, I guess.

Photobooth

Silly billies.

Probe

My probation meeting went well. We talked about dogs and strange people that come into grocery stores. Hah, she is really cool.
Oh yeah, and we talked about a class that I can take -- an Alcohol Awareness class that I only have to go to once for 4 hours, and then I don't have to do the drug tests anymore. Hooray! It's $50.

That's all for now. Oh yeah, I couldn't piss today because my meeting ran late. Yikes.

Down, down, down, down.

My life is going nowhere but down in so many aspects, I feel like.
I'm just so stressed out. I feel like I've ruined my life. I hate probation. I hate drug tests.
But it's so much more than that. I don't even want to think about it.

The only thing I'm happy with is my relationship with my boyfriend, the people I surround myself with, and the fun I have. It's sad, but true.
Life is supposed to be more than that.

Bassnectar

Bassnectar was CRAZY fun, acid is crazy, and people who give my sister/best friend DMT unknowingly and freak her out are the dumbest motherfuckers ever.
Everything was dynamite until that after-party.

It's my boyfriend and my 5 month anniversary today <3

:'(

I'm like an endless melody of wrong notes that won't stop when you try to turn me off so you get up and leave because you can't take the noise anymore.

You tell me what's wrong and I'll try my best to fix it.

November

Happy November! :)

That is all.