Dreading.

Now that everyone is back at college/starting college, I'm bored out of my mind. I wish I would have just graduated high school. I'm waiting until I'm 21 [December 4th!] to get my GED so it'll be cheaper.

Until then I need to find something to keep my occupied since I won't see my friends and boyfriend as much. Maybe if I keep nagging, work will give my more hours.

Oh yeah, I've started dreading my hair again. I've been doing 1 every few days because I don't feel like sitting all day doing my whole head at once. It kills my hands/arms.
I've got only 5 right now.

Summer's end, and reflections

Summer has flown by all too fast - or maybe it feels that way because this has been one of the best summers of my life. After summer '05, I never thought it could get any better. And then summer '06 turned out better, and summer '07 better than that, and summer '08 came extremely close to '07, if not better.

But this summer ... this summer has been simply amazing. I've learned more about friends and people I considered friends, and more importantly, I've learned more about myself.

I went back into vegetarianism, which is something I've been wanting to do since I was forced to eat meat by the doctors that time I ended up in the hospital. I had a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and seeing myself as anything but a heartless murderer. Sounds harsh, but it's how I felt.

I have learned this summer that I need to take better care of myself and in turn have gained probably 10 pounds, which I hate, but it's probably good. I still have days when I feel huge and ugly and want to bust out crying and not eat for days, but I tell myself that I have come so far and have the strength to get over my past problems. I don't think I'll ever be completely over it or "cured", but I'm confident I will get there.

I finally got the nerve to talk to a long time crush, and - even if it took liquid courage - I still did it, and I fell in love. I've always been scared to fall in love or even date a boy because I've been turned down so many times and even thought I was in love once and he didn't feel the same. Nobody ever felt the same until this summer. I've never been so open with anyone about myself until this summer. I've never felt so alive until this summer.

I'm not saying that since summer is ending so is my happiness, it's just that I now have so many memories tied to it and I'm having the best time that I don't want it to end. I'm sort of scared, however, that it will all go downhill like every summer's end before.

Fuck.

Last night ended up being a cluster-fuck of fun, anger and most of all, confusion.
It turned to shit just as it was getting good.

Today isn't much better.

Short update

I had plans with a few friends/boyfriend to go to Michigan's Adventure tomorrow but I'm broke. Like, zero dollars, until Friday.

I had an agreement with my mom to borrow the $25 for a ticket and pay her back Friday, but she just got a bunch of bills she needs to pay.

I suppose I can find something else fun [and free] to do tomorrow, but I was extremely excited. I think after my Cedar Point trip last week, I have a new addiction to roller coasters.

Other than that let-down, however, I feel very happy. And healthy for the first time in what seems like forever :)

Ending note:
Interesting article, if you're into it.

:)

Adrian was hilarious. Cedar Point was a blast.
Summer is going by way too fast.

Oh, the places we will go ...

Going to Adrian, MI tomorrow to meet my boyfriend's parents and bring the rukus.

And then it's off to Ohio for Cedar Point on Tuesday. I'm so excited/nervous.

This summer has been so good to me.

Dear lover,

Do you remember the sound of your laughter and demise, and that was all.
I need to fall in love.

This matter- it's something bigger. Anything ever graced my heart, and that was all.
I could fall in love ... with you. And I can't stall this now.
Did you find some happiness with me? Now I know the way true love should be.

Dear lover, do you remember the beats of my heart that I gave you? And that was all.
I need to fall in love.
It shattered, slipped through my fingers, floated down safely into your hands. And that was all.
I could fall in love ... with you. I can't stall this now.

Did you find some happiness with me?

Restless

I'm sitting here drinking a cup of coffee for, I think, the first time this summer. I used to be a fiend.
I'm still so tired. I must have hit snooze 20 times this morning.
Why is it that whenever I have to work a 9-hour shift I never get enough sleep?

Mostly I'm blaming it on the fact that I had nobody to cuddle with last night, and I'm so used to it lately.

I'll update more later. I have a lot on my mind and not enough time. Let's hope I can actually compose all these thoughts and get them out.

Work 12pm to 9pm - today and tomorrow.

Sorry.

I only hide what's on my mind because I can't explain.

Veg

I'm sick of people thinking the decisions I make, and the things I'm interested in are forced upon me by others.

I have my my own mind, and have always marched to the beat of my own drum, so to speak.
I'm turning to vegetarianism again, and some people think that the reason I am doing it again is because of someone else. Not at all.

The only reason I started eating meat again was because I needed my nutrients back because I was pretty close to dying.
It kills me every time I eat meat. Not physically, but mentally. I'm done. I don't give 2 shits if you call me a "faggot" or anything else for choosing not to eat meat, either. People need to grow up, get real, and accept my decisions.

It's OK.

"It's OK to lie. It's OK to steal. It's OK to have premarital sex. It's OK to cheat or to kill if these things are part of your value system, and you clarified these values for yourself. The important thing is not what values you choose, but that you have chosen them for yourself and without coercion of parents, spouse, priest, friends, ministers or social pressure of any kind."

So much on my mind.

I've realized that all I do is wish and dream and want for good things to happen, but I don't actually put an effort into making things better.
I've tried and failed many times, so I guess somewhere along the way I just completely gave up.
Life is all about trial and error, but I've realized that I can't just give up.
If I give up, then I'll be miserable forever, and that's the last thing I want. That's the last thing I need.

I've spent my life caring so much about others that I completely forgot about myself. I can't even take care of myself, and that is [beyond] not okay.
I am the happiest I've been in a long time this summer, but I am also really very miserable with lots of things right now. I've spent a great deal of this year trying to turn my life around, better myself, and "find myself."
I'm still working on it.

I can't exactly figure it out, but there is an empty space that needs to be filled. Part of me feels like the luckiest girl in the world because I got what I've wanted for so long.
But then part of me feels completely ... incomplete. What is missing?

I keep telling myself that there is still time. Maybe it's possible that I have changed, even just a little, and the changes I have been going through aren't completely finished.
I often find myself contemplating giving up. But I'm trying to enjoy life and everything it is giving me and just letting whatever comes my way - come my way.

I'm not expecting myself to be completely healed and happy and just all-around different overnight.
I think I can wait for that. I've waited this long, and I'm certain it will all be worth the wait.

Some things are completely and utterly amazing right now.
As for everything else, I have all the hope in the word that it will happen one day.

In pictures: adventures and 2 month anniversaries

 I am absolutely happy and this summer has been so, so, so good to me - so far.

From the 4th - spent the day with my boy.





[Haha he is so cute]


[I hate when my bangs do that ...]

We were cheesey and celebrated our 2 month anniversary. We had a plan to drink Captain Morgan and Baileys [Morgan is my last name and Bailey is his], but we were broke to we drank Fosters [we have this thing with Australia] and Canadian LTD whiskey and he cooked spaghetti for me and we watched Leprechaun In The Hood [amazing].


Yesterday was an epic adventure day with my sister/BFF


[^ Kacey]


[^ Me]


[Some graffiti]






[Kacey's old apartment building.]


[Me flipping off the office]


[We decided to take pictures outside of her apartment. Nobody lives there!]


[The lobby.]




[Playing around outside of my work.]

We went downtown and to her old apartment building and then to my job and played in kiddy carts.

I wanna have fun and I wanna get wasted

I haven't been sleeping very well lately, but I had a really good night's sleep last night. I always sleep well with him.

... Going to a kegger tonight.
Lots of parties next month too. I feel like it's non-stop.

I adore summer.

Summer thus far

I'm having a fantastic summer.

I have a boyfriend that I like a lot. I've liked him since he started working at the store I woke at, and I never knew he liked me back. We're pretty inseparable.

He's honestly like, perfect for me. We've been dating for almost 2 months but it seems like so much longer.

Also, I've hung out with some old friends and every day and every night is another adventure. Work has sucked - they've cut my hours to just one 9 hour shift every Saturday. I can't survive like this!

Well, I suppose that's it for now. I'll try to update a lot more.

Here are some recent picture FYE ...

Few of my favorites by the amazing Elliott [RIP]

bbbbabsbabns

Computer broke. I've been using my mom's laptop when possible. I was meaning to write on this thing more, but it might have to wait.

Nothing much going on right now.



Gettin' fat.

You're my size. I need to try you on.

I have been having an amazing time.
So many laughs and smiles and adventures.
Also finally got the [liquid]courage to call the boy I've been crushing on hardcore a couple of nights ago. Pshhh.

I'm silly.

Hello, seniority?

Work is shafting me, or something. My hours have been cut down so much. I've only been surviving because I've been picking up extra hours in dairy/frozen.

I don't understand. I've been there for what seems like forever, and new employees are getting more hours than me. Does seniority mean anything anymore? Boo :(

Frustrated

Pistons got swept by the Cavs last night. I'm not a happy girl.



On another note ...
Why can't I just speak!? I just want to say something so badly but the words won't come out and I run away scared.
It's ridiculous. Every time.

Now, I'm off to work.