:)

My baby is back! I love John Bailey <3

IDK, real post later.

First sentence from first entry of every month you've had your journal/blog:

march - I have the biggest crush on this boy at work.
april - Pistons got swept by the Cavs last night.
may - Work is shafting me, or something.
june - [no entries for june]
july - I'm having a fantastic summer.
august -  I am absolutely happy.
september - Summer has flown by all too fast - or maybe it feels that way because this has been one of the best summers of my life.
october - I believe I am officially sick.
november - Happy November! :)
december - 7 in the morning and I have yet to sleep.



Hanging out Kacey tonight, working at noon-6pm tomorrow.

I swear, whenever I'm alone, everything gets bad.

I feel like screaming half the time.
I hate that I'm stressed constantly. I hate that the reasons for my stress are all my fault.

That sense of peace I felt this summer is gone. The feeling of hopefulness and excitement I felt just a few months ago is gone now, and I know it won't be back until I get my shit together.

I don't know how to solve things. I've never been good at fixing things in my own life. I spend all of my time trying to make others happy and forget about myself. Lately I've been trying to cover messes up so I don't have to see them, think about them.
Whenever I think about everything, everything I'm messing up and everything I'm risking, I get dizzy.

I just keep thinking, What the hell am I going to do? How do I do this? Why did I, and still put myself in these situations? Everything was so, so, so amazingly amazing for once, and now it's totally gone.
I am kidding myself trying to stay positive when everything is no negative.
Few things in my life are keeping me sane right now. My amazing boyfriend, friends, and family. And without them I think I might break down.

I used to be excited about the future. And now, I'm flat out terrified of it.

I don't know why I try so hard sometimes to appease others. I mean, yes, I want to make others happy, and avoid fights and disappointment, but in the end, I just end up unhappy, fighting with myself, and disappointing myself. I have remained unchanged, on the inside, for as long as I can remember. I never felt the need to change for anybody. Nobody. But now, it's different.
And I hate it, but at the same time, I understand it.

I will always stay true to myself, even if I have to tweak a few things.
This is me now. This is me forever.
I think I'm a pretty okay girl.

Same ol' stuff.

Nobody probably sees it. The ones who know of it, and really know me probably do.
It doesn't matter. I only see what I want to see, and do what I want to do. It gives me pleasure, yet causes me so much pain.

So, I throw a fit. I throw a tantrum, in my head, for a long time. I do it when nobody is around. And sometimes I fake it. "What's wrong?" I lie. I fake it, and take it out on everyone else, and blame it on other things.

And I'm really angry that you're confused, and you don't understand. But at the same time I'm so happy that you don't.

Sorry. It's edited.

Bi-polar thoughts.

Tuesday night was the most fun I’ve had in a while.
Laughing until I cry is never a bad thing.
Acid will do that to you.

I feel like I'm hogging my boyfriend, a little. We spend pretty much every day together. I wonder if he's sick of me.
I never thought I could become so clingy. And soft! I used to be so hard.
I never thought I'd fall so fast for someone.

Tomorrow is bowling night! And we're sledding after :)


I can't wait until Friday - payday. I need money.
I need to get my shit together soon.
GED, paying off fines, growing the fuck up.

All over the place.

As much as I love how beautiful snow is, I sure don't like being in it.
It's absolutely gorgeous; the icicles, the snow covered trees, the sparkles. But I'm naturally cold even in the summertime, so it's hard. I guess I have to deal with it and make the best of it. I really want to make a snowman!

We're supposed to go bowling tonight, but I don't know if that's going to happen. $1 shoes, $1 games, $1 beers!

I'm going to make falafel soon, when I have the ingredients. I found a nice recipe.

Oh, and I got my new ID today. I look kinda pissed, not that you can tell from the shitty camera picture. [I can't find the cord to my scanner!] They also put the wrong weight, just copied it from my old ID. I am not 95 pounds anymore ...

I shouldn't have worn my fluffy hooded coat. Oh well, I resemble a lion.

I will be doing lame stuff in Sony Vegas until I find something else to do.
Peace.

Blah, blah, blah.

I have no self control anymore.

Probation meeting went well, as per usual. We didn't talk about probation, as per usual. She gave me all my urine test results I have done since I was first put on probation. I have dropped clean every time.

I told her I couldn't take that class on Friday because I can't have the $55 for it, by then. Once I can take this class, I will be a happy girl. No ore dropping.

I'm having money issues.

I hate that my job cut my hours so badly this year. This whole year.

I think my boyfriend really wants me to quit smoking. I do to.
But it's not easy. Especially when you're as stressed as I am every single day.

I'm going to listen to music and wallow.

But first, my boyfriend did this. It's me. It was a project having to do with fears. He did 'fear of drowning.' I love it. He is so amazingly talented.

Check out his other stuff here: http://johnbaileyart.blogspot.com/

Hm? Not really.

Twenty one.

My 21st was great! It sucks that my sister/best friend is sick and can't drink and couldn't go out to the bars with us last night, though.

I had a good night, and remember it all :)

It was also my boyfriend and my 6 month <3 I love him so much, and every day is like the first day. It still feels new and exciting and he still gives me "butterflies" :)

Going out again tonight, I think.

So far, 21 rules.

Best birthday present ever.

Allen Iverson signs with 76ers again
I am ecstatic. HEAVEN MUST FEEL LIKE THIS.

Dedicated December

 For the month of December, commit to do at least 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, and run a mile every day.

I'm tweaking it a bit - I'm going to do 100 girl push-ups due to my lack of upper arm strength, and probably walk most of my mile because I'm a smoker :x

I hope I can stick to this. I need to get in shape :)

I already did my 100 sit-ups and push-ups. I have yet to walk/run. Maybe a nice night-time walk later.

Sleep don't come easy.

7 in the morning and I have yet to sleep. I swear I have some weird separation insomnia, or something. It's weird.

I've been up listening to the entire Animal Collective discography, talking to people on Facebook, contemplating eating, smoking cigarette after cigarette, and writing. My eyes are heavy, but I feel like if I lie down I'll just stare at the ceiling. Sleeping alone is uncomfortable now. I've got an addiction to cuddling, I believe.

I must get my ID picture taken today. I'm so stupid - I've been meaning to do that all month.

3 days till 21! So far, my plans are going out with John Bailey at midnight on the 3rd, in the morning or afternoon we're doing something for our 6 months together, which is also on my birthday. My mom is taking me out for pizza and beer. And then I'm going bar hopping with good friends. And my friend Jason just told be about a kegger, so I might go to that after the bars.

I'm pretty excited, and I promised myself I won't get too fucked up. I'd like to remember this one.

We'll see how this day goes. I just wish I could sleep for a bit.

4 days and thinking.

I can't turn my mind off. I'm almost 21 [4 days!], and that's like ... big. I've just been thinking about this year a lot, and how fast it has gone by, and just ...

My life has gone through some pretty drastic changes this year. I gained about 20 pounds [which I'm trying very hard to lose], I lost my virginity [I only waited so long because I wanted it to be the right person. And it was!], I fell in love fast [which I never thought would happen], I went to my boyfriends hometown and to Cedar Point with him, which was really special because he liked me enough then to bring me to where he grew up, and introduce me to his family.

I did two drugs I never thought I would do - shrooms and acid. Taking shrooms the first time made me think a lot and see things I've never seen before. I learned a bit about myself, in some ways. Some things I still think about, like the thoughts in my head, and the visuals I had on them. The second time I took them and acid at the same time, as well as drank. I didn't feel funny, I didn't think too much, I didn't see anything or have any sort of epiphanies, so to speak, like the first time. I just had fun. That added with seeing Bassnectar after taking them was definitely A+.

I got an MIP and have been on probation since September, and have to take weekly drug/alcohol tests [which I also never thought would happen. I've always been extremely lucky in the drinking department.] I could have died falling down cement stairs and hitting my head on the 14th of this month, and I am extremely lucky and thankful that there was no major problems, just a bump and some bruises. But it definitely effected my life, just like everything that happened this year.

A lot more has happened - like the pregnancy scare. But a lot of stuff I want to keep private.

To be perfectly honest, most days I don't feel like my old self. I don't know whats happened to me, and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I think it's just still all the memories - good and bad - and the experiences, and the people I've met, and all the changes I've gone through. It's like a big mixture of good and bad, ups and downs, and that's what life is, right?

Who knows - maybe more terrible things will happen before the new year. And maybe more amazing things will happen.
Whatever happens, I'm ready. I almost have to be by now.

I don't know what it is, and I can't exactly recall when it started, but lately I've been feeling incredibly stressed, nervous, and emotional. I surround myself with people who can make me laugh and keep me distracted enough to forget, if only for a short time, everything on my mind and everything I'm dealing with. Or I'll play music that reminds me of good things - people, old memories, stuff llke that.

Anyway,
I haven't felt good in a month or so. Maybe more. And the past week, I haven't slept well, or slept at all.
My body doesn't feel right. I don't feel right with my body.
I'm sort of scared I'll go back to my old behaviors, but I keep telling myself "maybe that won't be so bad."
Sickening, sort of.

What can I do to get out of my head and back into life?

I had a great time yesterday. My boyfriend came back from Adrian and when I saw his face it was sort of like a head rush. He was only gone for 3 days, but when you're so used to seeing someone all the time and they're gone, it just feels weird. And it feels amazing to see them again.

After work, we went to a party at my friend Silas' house. It seemed like everyone was on acid - maybe because the majority of them are. I remembered why I stopped hanging out with a lot of people who do drugs. I'm not a big fan of drugs, or people who do them all the time. I know I do things people think are boring or annoying or harmful, but drugs just kind of piss me off. I like taking drugs every once in a while, but when you do them every single day, that's not fun. I loved my experience with acid. I loved my experiences with shrooms. But it's like all of those drugs are a part of their daily routine, or something. I don't know.
Anyway, it was a fun night.
And then I got to snuggle with my boyfriend after. We slept real late, but it was much needed sleep.

I'm 21 in 5 days. This year has flown by so fast.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I play songs out loud for all to hear because I hope the lyrics will tell the stories that my mouth cannot.

Really.

I would really like a new camera.
I would really like to not be so stressed all of the time.
I would really like to see my boyfriend. Right now. He's back from Adrian tomorrow!
I would really like to call in sick to work tomorrow, but tomorrow is my only day this week. And I can't NOT have money. I don't see myself feeling any better tomorrow.
I would really like to have a great birthday. It's in 7 days. I'm excited to turn 21.
I would really like for it not to snow before my birthday, too.
I would really like to drive. I want to get my license.
I would really like a rice cake. It sounds good right now.
I would really like my sister to get this plate of turkey out of my bedroom. Animal bones freak me out - that's a big part of why I don't eat meat.
I would really like to know who threw up in my bathroom sink last night. My guess is Jason.
I would really like to get my GED soon and go to school.
I would really like to hang Christmas lights in my bedroom.
I would really like this headache to go away.
I would really like a glass of wine.

Thanksgiving.

I'm thankful for my true friends, my best friend and sister Kacey, my boyfriend and love John Bailey, my family, my dog Bagel T. Beagle, the mistakes I have made and learned from, the luck of the Irish, many amazing memories of Allen Iverson, my job, and the basketball games I will watch tonight while eating tofurkey and green bean casserole. And I'm thankful the pregnancy test was negative. I'm too young, poor, and irresponsible for that.

I'm sitting in my bedroom drinking Captain and coke and beer and listening to music. I cooked some stuff. I don't really want to eat.

I hate Thanksgiving. I miss my boy and my sister, who isn't here.

I'm not pregnant.